


Anagennisis

by Lupin111



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2016-02-06
Packaged: 2018-05-16 02:01:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 27,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5809195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lupin111/pseuds/Lupin111
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brian and Justin keep meeting each other several times over the years, as their lives change dramatically. Brian thought it was coincidence, Justin thought it was kismet…</p><p>AU after S1E2</p><p>Beta by Xrifree</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Story Notes:
> 
> This story is inspired from, and based upon the Indian film ‘Hum Tum’, itself based on the unsurpassable ‘When Harry Met Sally’. My story more closely relates to ‘Hum Tum’, with a few changes and detours. There is no need to be familiar with either film to follow this story.
> 
> The story starts when Justin is 17 going on 18, and Brian is 29.
> 
> This story would not exist without my incredible beta, Xrifree, who agreed to watch a 2 hour plus movie with me, relying on subtitles, to help figure this story out. A beta who spent endless hours helping sort out scenes, dialogue, characterisations and coming up with some of the best ideas in this story. Anyone who enjoys this story really have her to thank for it. As do I.
> 
> Disclaimer:
> 
> Based on the show 'Queer as Folk' by Showtime, and the films 'Hum Tum' and 'When Harry Met Sally'. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is made from this work.

 

 

“Between hello and goodbye is I love you.”

   Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense

* * *

 

 

There was the right thing to do, the wrong thing to do, and the easy thing to do.

Brian wasn’t sure he wanted to choose any of those options. 

“I just want to talk.” Justin said.

Brian wanted to do a _lot_ more than talk. But Mr. Goodfuck was going to be here any second now, and moreover, he knew that he shouldn’t. This couldn’t become a ‘thing’ with Justin. “There's nothing to talk about.” 

“Please? I won't stay long. I ... I'll just - can I...”Justin tried to enter the loft, and Brian stopped him.

“No.” Then he heard footsteps, and before he could blink, Mr. Goodfuck arrived. “Oh, shit.” 

Brian wished that he was better able to deal with Justin, and deal with him in a timely manner. He gave Mr. Goodfuck a long look, making his intentions clear, so the man wouldn’t get the wrong idea.

Justin was beginning to look physically ill, Brian noted. 

“The door was about to shut so I ... slipped in. Penthouse. Not bad. Who's this?”

Brian rolled his eyes. All of this was way more conversation than he wanted to handle. “No one.” 

“I have to see you.”

“I'm busy.” 

“I don't mind a threesome. Although he's kind of young.” Goodfuck interjected.

“He's also kind of leaving.”

“Who's he?” Justin asked, almost pouting. 

“Forgive me for not introducing you. Justin, this is Mr. Goodfuk. Mr. Goodfuk, may I present Justin.”

“Name is George.” 

_Jesus._ “Sorry. George ... Goodfuck.”

Justin looked awful, and Brian was beginning to feel uncomfortable, even if he didn’t show it. “You don't even know him.” 

“Well, I was hoping to get to. Now why don't you just scamper on home?”

Finally, his message got through. Looking hurt, Justin slowly turned, shoulders sagging, and left. 

Brian sighed in relief, closing the door. He tried to ignore the nagging feeling inside him. “He's my stalker.”

George frowned at him. “That wasn't very kind…sending him off, a kid that age, by himself at this time of night.” 

Brian laughed, hoping it was a joke. Or something. “Who are you, Father Goodfuck?”

George just stood there, waiting, with disapproval written across his face. 

_Fucking hell._

“Oh, all right. Make yourself comfortable. And don't ... steal anything.”

As he practically ran downstairs, Brian could not believe that he was doing this. He felt bad as it was, which was completely against his nature and beliefs to begin with, he didn’t need Goodfuck to guilt trip him.

Justin was jailbait. He was illegal. And it would be utterly detrimental to Brian’s health if he entertained Justin for another night. That was disaster, waiting to happen. This was for the best, for everyone.

He saw Justin leaning against a lamppost, but the blonde started walking towards a car as soon as he saw Brian. Brian followed him. 

“Hey. Hey! I just left a complete stranger alone in my apartment to come talk to you. So don't run away from me.”

Incredibly, Justin merely opened the car door, completely ignoring him. 

Exasperated, Brian pushed the door shut. “We need to get something straight.”

“You don't do boyfriends.” Justin stated flatly. 

“Oh, Mikey's been talking to you.”

“You'll fuck anyone! He's ugly. You don't even know him. And I - I really love – ” 

“Justin ... I've had you. What happened last night ... it was for fun. You wanted me and I wanted you. That's all it was.”

“A fuck?” Justin was incredulous and hurt, and Brian felt a twinge of…something. 

“Well, what did you think it was? Look, I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest. It's efficient. You get in and out with a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of bullshit. Love is something that straight people tell themselves they're in so that they can get laid. And then they end up hurting each other because it was all based on lies to begin with. If that's what you want, then go and find yourself a pretty little girl ... and get married.”

“That's not what I want. I want you!” Justin was crying, Brian was certain of it. 

“You can't have me. I'm too old ... you're too young for me. You're seventeen. I'm twenty-eight.” And therein lay one of the biggest problems here. That and the fact that he didn’t do repeats. Though, looking at Justin, he was sorely tempted.

Justin smiled between his tears. “Twenty-nine.” 

“All right. Twenty-nine. All the more reason. Now go do your homework.”

Brian backed away slowly, watching Justin as he got inside the car. Tears were still falling, but Justin shut the door, gunning the engine. 

Brian watched the car disappear into the night.

It took him some time to walk away.

 

 

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

 

 

This story archived at <http://www.midnightwhispers.ca/viewstory.php?sid=3479>


	2. Chapter 2

 “The story of life is quicker than the wink of an eye, the story of love is hello and goodbye...until we meet again”

    Jimi Hendrix

* * *

 

 

**_Two years later_ **

 

* * *

 

Justin sighed in relief, collapsing into the seat. He had been certain that he was going to miss his flight, but, luckily, he had made it, with ample time to spare.

One and a half weeks in Greece – it was a dream vacation for anyone. It sucked that Spencer wasn’t able to join him, but, he was working and there was nothing that could be done about that. He pulled out his sketchpad, and started doodling.

From the corner of his eye, Justin sensed someone checking the seat number in the row in front of him, and he looked up.

“Brian? Brian Kinney?”

The tall brunette looked even better than how Justin remembered him. The hair was longer, but not as long as Justin’s.

“My stalker. Will you look at that.” Brian smirked.

Justin raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t stalk you for too long. Do you even remember my name?”

This time, Brian smiled at him. “Justin.”

“I’m flattered.”

“You named my son. Bit hard to forget.”

“Uh-huh. Come, sit here, next to me. I’m pretty sure it’s empty. Unless…” Justin let the sentence trail off.

Brian eased into seat next to him.

“How’s Gus? And Michael and Debbie?”

“They’re both good. Gus is growing up, and I have some fears that given his influences at home, he might turn into a straight man. Michael’s dabbling in domesticity with his partner – a professor from Carnegie Melon. Debbie is the same as always.”

Justin smiled. “You haven’t changed at all, have you?”

“Change? You can’t improve upon perfection.”

“Right. So much for maturing with age.” Justin mused. “Are you planning on vacationing alone?”

Brian stretched, and Justin marvelled at the man’s physique. Brian would forever be his ideal of what the male body should be.

“I plan on having many nubile Greek men join me. Unless…you’re welcome to join in on the fun.” Brian looked at him suggestively, moving closer, and it slightly disturbed Justin that the spark between them was still there, two years since…

“I thought you didn’t repeats?”

“I make exceptions for when I’m on vacation. And when there’s been a two year interval.”

It flattered Justin that despite what Brian had said, he still remembered how long it had been.

“Flattered as I am, I must decline the offer. I’m seeing someone.”

“Oh dear lord.” Brian rolled his eyes. “Aren’t you too young for a ball and chain? And where is this ‘someone’ if you’re off to Greece on your lonesome?”

“It’s not a ball and chain when you love each other.” Justin continued, despite Brian’s gagging noises. “Spencer is in med school. Someone backed out and he got an internship opportunity – he couldn’t say no. And I _really_ need a vacation before classes start again, and besides, we had already bought the tickets. I didn’t want to waste mine.”

“It all sounds dreadfully boring.” Brian stated. “Where are you studying?”

“Dartmouth. I’m getting a double major in fine arts and business.”

“Of course you are.” The comment was sarcastic, but Justin sensed admiration in Brian’s tone. “Can I see?”

Obligingly, Justin passed on the sketchbook. “Can you wake me when they’re serving dinner?”

“You actually want to wake up for airplane food?”

“I like airplane food. “

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“You’re not going to Mykonos?” Brian asked, sounding surprised.

“Meh. If all I wanted was gay parties, I’d have gone to Florida. I want to see real beauty, swim, sail, surf, and do touristy stuff.”

Brian rolled his eyes. “You’ve considerably more lame than when I met you last.”

“When you saw me last, I was a crying, snivelling, mess. I think I’ve considerably matured since you saw me last.” Justin looked at Brian’s meal tray – large chunks of it remaining untouched. Justin shrugged, moving a few morsels of food on to his tray.

Brian scoffed. “I think I prefer that snivelling mess to one who has chained himself to…eternity.”

“Well, up to you. I’m starting in Santorini – did you know they say that the legend of Atlantis was inspired by the island of Santorini? – and you are welcome to join me and have some real fun. Or, you can do the same old party circuit in Mykonos that you could do in Miami and Ibiza and a bajillion other places.”

“You could sweeten the deal by throwing in yourself.”

Justin rolled his eyes. “You had the chance years ago, and you said no. Now I’m off the menu. Anyway. If it’s sex that you so desperately want, I’m sure we can find willing bodies for you everywhere we go. Assuming that it’s _we_ and not just me. Besides, I’m in Greece for just one and a half weeks; you’ll be there for two? Three?”

“Two and a half.”

“So together, we can truly explore Greece for the first week and a half, and then you’re free after that for…whatever – or whoever - you want to do.”

Brian leaned back in his seat. “Fine, but the first time you fail to find me a fuckable guy on demand, I’m bailing.”

Justin laughed. “Deal is on!”

As the week passed, Justin was glad that he convinced Brian to join his version of a Greek holiday, instead of the (likely) fuckfest that Brian had planned for himself. He missed Spencer, but, at the same time, it was great hanging out with Brian. It wasn’t even so difficult to say no to his sexual advances; Justin felt that Brian’s on-and-off lecherous remarks were half-hearted, and he didn’t seem to really be interested in convincing Justin to have a tryst with him. Brian spent far more time arguing against the idea of monogamy, and they both spent more time arguing about architecture, Greek mythology and food.

What he found difficult was to admit to himself that he was attracted to Brian. It was annoying, because he had a boyfriend, and on top of that, Brian’s attitude made him the worst contender for the boyfriend position. Worse than that, was the fact that his attraction to Brian gave some weight to the man’s ramblings about how monogamy was rigged to fail. On some level though, Justin knew that his reactions were natural. Brian had been his first; therefore, he would carry Brian with him forever. Brian was a part of him, forever, whether he liked it or not.

“Isn’t it too dark to be swimming? I thought they had rules about being on the beach this late.”

“It’s my last night here. Screw the rules.” Justin smiled as Brian sat down on the sand, next to him.

“How’d you know I was here?”

“Lucky guess. Sketching again? Is there enough light?”

“Plenty of moonlight for my purpose. Was he good?”

“I’ve had better. I’ve also had worse.”

Justin smiled, continuing to sketch. “Of course.”

“I brought us some wine.”

Justin watched as Brian poured them both two glasses.

“I’m glad you came with me, Brian. I had fun.”

Brian clinked his glass with Justin’s. “Me too.”

They sat in silence for a while, bathed in the moonlight.

“I won’t see you again after this…you can make it a good bye to remember.” Brian said lightly.

“I know you don’t mean that,” Justin said, and put his pencil down. He turned around to look at Brian, who was propped up on his elbows. “Besides, we’re going to see each other again.”

“Oh? I hope you know that we’re not exchanging numbers and turning into pen pals after this holiday.”

“I know. We’re still going to meet again.”

“How?”

“I don’t know. Somehow. We just will. We’re connected. Can’t you feel that?”

“I feel the wind, and I’m beginning to feel the effects of excessive alcohol. That’s it. We’re not some fated couple, Justin. You don’t still believe in that bullshit, do you?”

Justin smiled, and continued to sketch. “I _know_ we’re not some couple; I’m already one half of _another_ couple. But that doesn’t mean we don’t have a connection. I don’t know what fate is, so I don’t know if I believe in something I don’t know or understand. What I know is that we have a connection.”

“Justin. That’s nonsense. With all due respect.”

“Do you remember when we first met? It was on a night like this; the stars were lighting up the sky, and the moon was rising in your eyes. That night… it went on and on and on, like the whole world was under a spell. Nothing mattered except how your eyes caught me. I met you, I lost my virginity, your son was born, I named him…we were under the spell of those stars…and I was also under the spell of the moon in your eyes. And there’s no reason in this universe that we should have run into each other again, but, here we are. We’ve been walking and talking and swimming and drinking and doing all kinds of stuff…no sex, but all kinds of other stuff…and why would we, if there wasn’t…some _thing_ between us? Sometimes, people are connected Brian, through some unknown. And I know that we are, and, I just know that this isn’t the last I’ll see of you.”

 

 

 

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

 

 

This story archived at <http://www.midnightwhispers.ca/viewstory.php?sid=3479>


	3. Chapter 3

 

"The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space."

     Marilyn Monroe

 

* * *

 

**_3_ ** **_years later_ **

 

* * *

 

"So, is the professor meeting us inside? He fucking better be, because I'm not standing out here waiting." Brian stated, as he made his way inside Woody's.

"Well, Ben beat you to it," Michael said, following Brian inside. "He's inside, and he said he got us a table."

Brian rolled his eyes. "Of course he did."

"There you are! I was just getting us food. Our table is this-a-way."

Brian looked at Emmett's retreating back, then at Michael. "I didn't know he was joining us. I bet Theodore is already at the table."

Michael shrugged. "Isn't that usually the case? It's not a problem, is it?"

Bran shook his head. He didn't really mind Emmett being there. Or even Ted, for that matter. However, he was getting just a tad restless, and would have preferred a smaller crowd. It seemed that everyone's lives were changing, except his. Well, his and Ted's, but nobody wanted to be in the same bracket as Ted, least of all Brian. It was like being on autopilot, and Brian was getting quite bored with it.

"This isn't our usual table."

"Precisely what I said," Ted piped up.

Ben pulled a chair out for Michael, kissing the shorter man as he sat down.

"I like this table better. We have a better view."

Brian scoffed at Emmett. "A better view of losers, you mean."

"Well, it can't be helped," Ben said. "That section," he said, waving towards the interior of the bar, "is closed off for a private party. We have to make to do with what's available."

Brian looked around Woody's, paying slightly more attention. He could hear raucous laughter from the interior, with a plaque outside the entryway, noting that a private party was in progress.

"Anyone decent inside?"

"They have some very good looking strippers. They had Jon and Hank in their first, and now it's Devin's turn." Ted supplied.

"Strippers are nothing new, Theodore."

"Well, there's some straight people there as well; it's a bachelor party," Ben stated. "I'm sure the mere thought of it has turned your dick soft."

"Many a gap between a bachelor party and a wedding." Brian smiled devilishly. "If the groom is worth my while…"

"Try and be decent, Brian. Besides, we're not staying for too long; aren't we heading to Babylon?" Michael asked.

"Not until I finish the nachos that I ordered. Which…oh, I see it. It's coming this way." Emmett stopped wildly gesticulating at the waiter, as the man arrived, placing an enormous platter of nachos on their table. "Enjoy, gentlemen! I share my goodies."

Brian made a face, looking at the food Emmett ordered. "Don't you run a catering business? Have you no taste buds?"

"You know, they say that if you can't say anything nice, you shouldn't speak at all."

The restlessness Brian was feeling rose again, leaving him annoyed and irritated. " _He_ turns my dick soft," Brian told Ben, pointing at Emmett. "I'm going to go and try have some fun." With that, Brian left the table, and walked into the bachelor party.

The enclosed section with the bachelor party had Woody's second, smaller bar, as well as the small stage that was usually used for the drag shows on Thursday nights.

Brian sneaked in without being noticed, seeing as all the guests were wildly cheering at the dance-cum-strip show happening on stage.

Ted was wrong.

It wasn't Devin that was providing the entertainment.

Brian watched, as a blonde that he hadn't seen for years gyrated against the stripper pole. _Rebel Rebel_ by Bowie was playing, and Brian knew that the song would now forever be associated in his mind with this ongoing performance by one Justin Taylor.

Thus far, Justin had managed to keep his pants on, though, given the way he was grinding against the pole, they would not stay up for too long. Brian shook his head in surprise; Justin was so far from his usual type of guy, and yet, Brian always found him to be the hottest person…anywhere. There just was something about him.

Justin was smiling and laughing as he undid the top button of his pants, then turned around as he wiggled his ass at the audience. Someone – Devin – threw a hat onto the stage, which Justin shimmied over to pick up, making a great show of putting it on. He twirled around, one hand on his hat, one hand on the pole, and a smiling Brian wondered how Justin managed to keep his balance. Justin twirled once more around the pole before leaning against it, moving his body to the music.

"C'mon Justin, show us some skin!"

Brian didn't know who screamed that suggestion, but he heartily agreed with it. Obligingly, Justin started to dry hump the pole, forcing the waistband of his undone pants to move lower and lower.

And then Justin saw Brian, his smile growing wider in immediate recognition. He kept rubbing himself up against the pole, but in time to the music, threw his hat at Brian.

Brian raised an eyebrow as he caught it, and waved at Justin, who was now nearing the end of his dance, pants at his ankles. When the song finished, Brian clapped along with everyone else there, and watched while Justin hurriedly dressed himself, chatting with many of the crowd, but clearly trying to make his way to Brian. Devin took to the stage, and Justin was free. As the attention shifted to the stripper on stage, Justin easily made his way to Brian.

"Brian!"

Brian found himself enveloped in a tight hug.

"Is that what you trained for at Dartmouth?"

Justin laughed. "A guy can never have too many talents. Fancy bumping into you here."

"This is my usual…"All the words that came to his mind to complete that sentence suddenly sounded very lame. "This is my bar of choice."

Justin smiled, nodding. "It's a full moon tonight."

Brian cocked his head to a side, slightly confused.

"When we last met, in Greece…I told you we'd see each other again."

Brian rolled his eyes, but he still smiled. "Aaaah…and when there's a full moon, I bet you just feel my presence, drawing you ever so close."

Justin laughed. "Funny. Nothing like that, but it just happens to be a full moon tonight, and I wanted to point that out to you."

Brian looked Justin up and down, knowing how best this evening could end. "Michael and…some friends of mine, we're about to head to Babylon. Wanna join? I promise you, it'll be more entertaining than this."

Justin smiled, with a hint of sadness, Brian thought. "I can't leave my own party now, can I?"

Brian shrugged, missing the point Justin was making. "Some douche is getting married so you threw him a party. You've done your part – more than your part, given the show you put on - now it's time to have some real fun."

Amusement twinkled in Justin's eyes, and too late, Brian realised what the blonde had been saying.

"I'm the douche that's getting married, Brian. I can't leave my own bachelor party to go have a tryst with you somewhere, just days before I get married."

Brian stared at Justin in open amazement. "Fuck me sideways. _You_ are getting married. Aren't…aren't you too young for this? Aren't you gay? Are you going to Canada for this blessed nuptial?"

"Why, thank you Brian, for your well wishes. I knew I could count on you to say something sweet and touching," Justin snickered. "The wedding is in Harrisburg…and it's a symbolic gesture. A commitment ceremony, if you will. It's something people in love do, whatever their age."

"Uh-huh." Brian did not know why this news was so surprising. He had thought about Justin now and then in the intervening years, at times musing, and at times hot fantasies. Just like Justin had said, Brian had also, inexplicably, always thought that the two of them would meet once again. To do things they hadn't done because…because Justin had been seventeen…and then he had had a boyfriend…and now…

Brian gave himself a light shake, forcing himself back into the moment.

"So where is this husband-ish-to-be of yours?"

"You don't expect Spencer to be at _my_ bachelor party, do you? That would be weird…I'd invite you to the wedding, but I know you won't come. I bet it'd make your dick soft."

"That's the second time someone has said that to me today."

Justin lightly ran the back of his fingers over Brian's crotch, giving Brian a solid second surprise.

"Don't let someone say it a third time; we wouldn't want you going all soft," Justin said, almost sensuously.

Brian raised an eyebrow, forcing himself to stay grounded. "Are you flirting with me? Days before your wedding, no less? Do we now have the blessing of the full moon to do wildly sinful things?"

"It's my bachelor party. I thought it okay that I sin just a little bit – not wildly sinful, but just a bit of touching. Besides, it's you. You're special."

Their eyes met, and Brian felt a whirl of emotions – ruing missed opportunities, wistfully thinking of what could have been, and longing for a man he could have almost had.

"Justin! Hey, Justin, come on! We're doing shots!"

They both turned at the voice, a woman who was waving at Justin from the bar.

Brian tapped Justin on the side of his shoulder. "You should go join your friends. Congratulations. I know you'll be happy."

Justin reached up, kissing him lightly. "Thank you. You know, committing to a person isn't such a bad thing. You might feel that way, some day."

"I wasn't being sarcastic."

"I know. We have just one life, and we live so many lives in that. We change our colours, and ideas, and dreams…and every time that happens, we're born again, just a little bit. One day, you just might change too. I can't wait to bump into you again."

Brian smiled, and kissed Justin's forehead. "I'll keep my eye out for another full moon."

"Me too."

 

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

 

 

This story archived at <http://www.midnightwhispers.ca/viewstory.php?sid=3479>


	4. Chapter 4

"So, I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you"

    Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)

 

* * *

 

 

**_4 years later_ **

 

* * *

 

Generally, Brian trusted his creative department, and didn’t make it a habit of overseeing every little shoot. However, Kinnetic was just beginning to be taken seriously amongst competitors. More importantly, Brian had just snagged a few key clients in Cleveland, and he was doing everything he could to massage their egos and make them feel that a Pittsburgh agency could service them just as well as a local one.

That was why he found himself dropping in to supervise a shoot, doing a job that rightfully belonged to someone a little down the ladder. For now, Brian was confident that everything was going exactly according to plan. He was pretty sure that he could step away now, maybe grab dinner and get some sleep.

He felt his phone vibrate. It was Ted. Ted, who had inexplicably bloomed as Kinnetic’s CFO, showing confidence, talent and dedication Brian never knew the man had possessed.

Suddenly, Brian recalled something Justin Taylor had told him.

_…sometimes, people are connected Brian, through some unknown…_

Ted had been the first of his friends that he had almost fucked (even Ben had happened later, and they hadn’t been friends at the time). And Brian had been the one to almost pull the plug on Ted. Now, Ted had been one person most instrumental in making Kinnetic an indisputable success. There certainly was some connection there, though one could just call it friendship and be done with it.

As Brian answered his phone, he looked up at the sky, unconsciously looking for a full moon. Cloud cover greeted him.

“Yes Theodore?”

“Hey Brian. Just wanted you to know that Langly’s finally paid – in full.”

“Not just the advance?”

“Nope, in full. But I want to wait until the funds have cleared to give the go ahead to production. Just checking to see if that’s ok with you; I looked and it doesn’t seem to have any looming deadlines we won’t be able to meet if we wait for a few days.”

“Good idea. We’ll defer to your pragmatism.” It actually _was_ a good idea; by now, Brian was used to Ted making sensible suggestions.

“I also have a message for you from Michael.”

“Any reason he didn’t deliver the message himself?”

“Several. First, he didn’t want to disturb you in the middle of a shoot, and he knew that I’d know when you were free. Second, he was a bit…distracted…you know, with Ben.”

Brian sighed. The last part was disappointing to hear, no matter what he told the world at large. “Are they having problems again?”

“Still having problems, is how I’d put it. But it’s Mikey and Ben. They’ll pull through.” Ted said optimistically.

“Forgive me if I take a dimmer view of eternity. So what is it that Michael wanted?”

“You’re staying at the Ritz, and apparently, there’s an award ceremony for the _Cleveland Daily_ there. You’ve heard of JT, right? He has this comic about a two-legged giraffe? Called ‘ _Spotted_ ’? That reclusive comic that Michael just adores? Oh oh oh, it’s the same JT whose piece we managed to buy for the lobby.”

“Well, of _course_ I know JT. You think I’m unfamiliar with the artist we spent money on? Pity he sells paintings only at charities. I actually follow his work. I like the dark humour in the comic.”

“Of course you know of him. Anyway. He’s rumoured to be in attendance, because this is the first paper that gave him a break, running his comics. Michael wanted you to try and get an autograph, maybe a contact email, because he has this dream of getting JT to speak to fans at Red Cape. If you get an autograph, manage to get two. I think Kinnetic should have one as well; the resale value may go up as the years go by.”

Brian rolled his eyes. He was ever-willing to help Michael, but this seemed a bit too much. “Theodore. I don’t know what the man looks like. Hardly anyone does. Short of his agent and a select few at _The Cleveland Daily_ , no one even knows his real name. How on earth am I supposed to find him, even if we _are_ at the same hotel?”

“We thought you’d be able to figure something out. Anyway. Michael just asked you to try, if possible. So, if you have a minute or two between blow jobs, just try, ok? See you when you get back. Call me if you need anything.”

Brian shook his head at the cellphone, putting it back into his pocket. He hailed a cab, deciding to make his way back to the hotel. The team knew how to find him, if they needed him.  

His friends still teased him, of course, as if nothing had changed from ten, fifteen years ago. But everyone knew that it had. There weren’t nearly as many blow jobs as people made it sound, even though it was still a running gag amongst them. There weren’t nearly as many tricks either, or trips to backrooms in Babylon. It wasn’t that he couldn’t have them; he just didn’t _want_ them anymore. Not as much, anyway. Hardly as much. Brian was 38 now. His plan had been to be dead by 30, but seeing as how that didn’t exactly pan out, he had decided that he was not going to become an over-the-hill club boy at 38. In the end, it was an easy decision to make. He himself stopped wanting it.  The constant fucking of random strangers, the need to be number one and be seen as number one…he had _become_ number one, and the need to endlessly prove it to the world was no longer there. 

And yet. For all the success of Kinnetic – and of Babylon, which he now owned – there was something still missing, though Brian couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

Maybe he had stayed away from Babylon for too long, Brian thought.

When he got to the hotel, Brian stood in the lobby, wondering. There was a highly rated restaurant within the hotel itself, but Brian had seen a nice looking Italian place just around the corner. He wondered if he should just dine in, or shower, and go to the place outside. As he stood debating, he saw an older, impeccably dressed petite blonde woman walk into the lobby with two grey-haired men. They came to a stop inches away from him, and Brian could hear their conversation now.

“...and ‘ _Spotted_ ’ is in syndication now. This is the time you – JT – can afford to take risks. You know that the _Daily_ will always support anything new. After all, we were the ones who saw the potential in ‘Spotted’ way back when.”

Brian busied himself by poking at his phone, trying not to stare. _This_ woman was JT? It was hard to believe. He had always thought the author was male; Ted had said so as well. And…someone younger. Oh well, Brian thought, surprising as it was, he was not about to look a gift horse in the mouth. He waited quietly for the men to leave.

“Thank you. I know you’ve been very kind. I promise you, we will discuss it and get back to you soon. It was very nice meeting you again.” Signalling an end to the discussion, the woman shook hands with both men, but made no move to leave. The men left the way they came, after handing over a thick manilla envelope to her.

Brian glanced at her surreptitiously, deciding that he wasn’t going to waste any time. He had located JT, or at the very least, JT’s agent, and was going to make the most of it.

“Excuse me, I’m sorry to disturb you, but I couldn’t help overhearing your discussion about ‘ _Spotted_ ’. I’m – ” Brian was interrupted mid-sentence.

“Mom, there you are! I thought we were meeting in your room. Can we have dinner now? I’m starving.”

Brian took in the blonde – long, shaggy hair, long-sleeved button down shirt, tailored pants, blazer slung over his arm. However, unlike every other time he had met him, there wasn’t a lingering smile in his eyes, or on his lips.

“There must be a full moon out tonight,” Brian said, smiling. “Justin Taylor. It’s been a while.”

“Brian!” Justin looked away from his mother in surprise, staring at Brian for three seconds before hugging him. “You remembered.”

“Or course I did.”

Justin grinned. “I have it on good authority that there _is_ a full moon out tonight.” Grin fading, Justin seemed to remember where he was. “Brian, this is my mother, Jennifer Taylor. Mom, this is Brian Kinney.”

Jennifer smiled, shaking his hand. “Very nice to meet you, Brian.”

“So, you’re JT then? What’s with all the secrecy?” Brian asked.

Justin shrugged. “We’re heading out to dinner – there’s a nice Italian place around the corner. Would you like to join us?

There was a quiet desperation in Justin’s eyes that Brian hadn’t seen…since he had asked Justin to leave the loft, some ten years ago.

“Sure…as I recall, don’t you have a husband-ish that should be joining us?”

Jennifer bit her lip, looking down.

Justin was expressionless.

“He died three years ago.”

 

 

 

 

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

 

 

This story archived at <http://www.midnightwhispers.ca/viewstory.php?sid=3479>


	5. Chapter 5

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”

   Robert A. Heinlein (Stranger in a Strange Land)

* * *

Justin had walked his mother and Brian back to the hotel, wished them both a good night, and then left.

“Which floor are you on?” Brian asked Jennifer, as he moved towards the elevator.

“Um…actually, would you like to have some coffee? Brandy? I believe the restaurant here is still open, as is the bar.” Jennifer suggested, looking somewhat embarrassed.

Brian narrowed his eyes. She had refused coffee at the restaurant when offered. “I thought you didn’t want anything more…?”

“Brian. I didn’t want coffee with my son there. I’d like to speak to you, and, well, a brandy may help as well. If you could indulge me, please?”

Brian nodded in understanding, though he did not, in fact, understand at all. He followed Jennifer to the bar, where she proceeded to order them both brandy.

“Brian…I understood from our conversation at dinner that you haven’t met with Justin for a long time. How did you find him?”

Brian frowned, struggling to understand the conversation and where Jennifer was heading. “He’s…different. Quiet. Hardly speaks. Doesn’t smile. He’s different to how I remember him. But, Jennifer, Justin and I were never friends. We just…knew each other…briefly.”

“Brian, please. Justin must regard you as a friend, even if the two of you have lost touch…he invited you to join us for dinner. How exactly did you meet him? Well, actually, it doesn’t matter. You’re a friend and he obviously respects you.”

“Jennifer…I think you’re misunderstanding my relationship with Justin.”

“I just…it doesn’t matter how you know each other. I don’t care if you robbed old ladies together when you knew each other. You knew him well enough to see how different he is now. Justin is a completely different person…he’s like a zombie. He is barely a shadow of the person he used to be. It’s like he is dead himself.”

“His partner – Spencer - died…isn’t grieving natural?”

“For _this_ long? Brian, he is not merely grieving. He’s dead inside! It breaks my heart to see him like this, just going through the motions of being alive.”

Brian rubbed his temples, wondering what on earth Jennifer wanted with him, and why she was telling him all this. “Jennifer, he seems very accomplished. He has a syndicated comic strip under his name. From what I understood at dinner, he has a Master’s degree and is almost done with his PhD. At Case Western, no less. He could also have a highly successful career as an artist, if he so chose. He hasn’t done too badly.”

“Are you joking? _None_ of that mean anything! You know he threw himself into his Master’s as soon as Spencer died, and, we all thought, he needs a distraction. They have a two language requirement for the PhD, and he could have easily studied French or German or even Italian, two of which he studied in school. Instead, he insisted on learning Greek and Japanese. Every waking moment, he spent learning goddamn Greek and Japanese and studying for his Master’s. No friends. Not a _single_. He won’t speak to the ones he used to have. His Master’s is in Art Education. He has a license to teach anyone, anywhere. Did he? No. He chose to study some more, pursuing a damn PhD.”

Justin _had_ seemed almost like an entirely different person to what Brian remembered. He had almost wondered why Justin invited him to join their dinner. He had seemed least interested in animated conversation, though he had asked Brian all the right, polite questions. Brian had assumed that it was because of how he had brought up the now-dead husband-ish, but, from Jennifer’s account, this was now the norm for Justin. Gone was the bright, fun guy he remembered from Greece.

However, Brian hardly knew Justin. It had been years. He certainly didn’t want to agree with Jennifer and confirm her worries.

“Jennifer, lots of people pursue degree after degree with dogged determination. It’s normal. Maybe…maybe Justin will…maybe he will be the person you remember once he finishes his PhD.”

Jennifer almost slammed her glass down on the counter, making the bartender jump. “I’m sorry. Justin is _not_ like lots of people. I’m his mother; I should know. How many normal twenty-eight year olds do you know who think a suitable theme for a comic is a mutilated giraffe –”

“I think the word is ‘disabled’,” Brian supplied, not without some amount of sarcasm.

Jennifer sighed deeply, taking a large gulp of her brandy. “Fine. Disabled. How many normal twenty-eight year olds do you know who think a suitable theme for a comic is a _disabled_ giraffe with two legs, locked up in a zoo, staring at its visitors and making fun of them daily? It is _not_ normal.”

The lady had a point, Brian had to admit. “Be that as it may, the comic is widely successful. And I like it. It’s edgy and intelligent and has a certain dark humour that appeals to people.”

“It’s creepy and scary when the author has no friends and speaks to nobody for days on end. He has a sister that he hardly talks to. I come all the way out here to meet him, and sometimes, he sits for hours without uttering a word. He never comes to Pittsburgh anymore.”

“Jennifer, if you’re so worried about him, maybe you should suggest a therapist.”

“You think I haven’t already? He even went to see one, just to humour me. It went nowhere. The therapist told me that she can only help a person who talks to her. He feels so guilty for being alive, while Spencer is dead. Survivor’s guilt, they call it. He feels guilty for being alive. He doesn’t think he deserves to be happy anymore. Justin, he just wants to punish himself for not being dead.”

“Jennifer, I feel bad for you, and for him, but I’m not sure why you’re telling me this.”

“You’re his friend –”

“Okay, whoah, back up there. Justin and I are not friends. We haven’t seen each other since…his bachelor party. We were _never_ friends.”

“You are the first person he has, on his own initiative, invited for a meal. Or touched. He actually _hugged_ you. You got a _reaction_ from him. He asked you questions. Brian, please. I’m desperate. I’m asking you, as a mother, can you talk to him? Take him outside? Coffee? Dinner? Something? Just…introduce him back into this world.”

Brian stared at her, wondering for a moment if the woman had lost her mind.

“Jennifer… with all due respect, are you crazy? I don’t know Justin. _We’re not friends._ If a therapist couldn’t help him, I am fairly certain than I’m not going to be able to. Besides which, I’m not some weirdo, walking around with no life of his own, just waiting to help people out. I have a business to run, in more than one city. _Two_ businesses, in fact. I really don’t have the time, nor the capacity, for what you’re asking.”

“Brian, please. You mentioned that you had a son. What if this was him? Wouldn’t you want someone to help him? Wouldn’t you want someone to at least _try_?”

 

* * *

 

Brian knew that this was a bad idea. He knew it would be an utter waste of time, and that, moreover, he was ill-equipped to deal with people or problems of this magnitude.

Yet.

Jennifer had played the Gus card, which was hard to resist. It was doubly so, given that Justin had been the one to name Gus. It was made even worse by the nightmare Brian had last night, where he never pushed Justin away ten years ago, Justin never met Spencer, Spencer thus never died, and Justin didn’t turn into a walking, talking zombie. The whole thing was creepy in a butterfly effect kind of way. Not that Brian blamed himself at all for the state of Justin’s life.

Still.

He had ended up calling Jennifer and getting Justin’s information. Luckily for everyone, Brian was still in Cleveland. Even luckier, he spotted Justin walking into the coffee shop that Jennifer said he frequented. Just in time.

Brian hurried in after him.

“Hey there, Blondie,” Brian said, stepping up behind Justin in the queue.

Justin turned around, surprise written all over his face. Then his eyes narrowed, though he nodded at Brian before telling the barista that he was having his usual.

“And I’ll have an Americano,” Brian added, offering his card to the girl before Justin paid.

Justin sighed. “Hello, Brian.”

Brian noticed that Justin’s ‘usual’ was to go.

“Shall we sit down?”

“Actually, I have to be somewhere.”

“Ok then, I’ll walk with you.”

Justin sighed again. “Please, don’t. I can manage just fine.”

“But I’m here, and I’m bored. So, let’s go.”

Justin looked at Brian, and seemed to be weighing options. He sighed again, saying “Fine.”

They walked in silence for a few minutes.

“You know, at Kinnetic, we have one of your paintings. We bought it at the auction at the GLC.”

“I know what you’re doing,” Justin said, without looking at him.

“Excuse me?”

“My mom sent you here. She wants you to check up on me, or some such bullshit. She’s done this before. Just…don’t bother. I’m fine. And she’ll be fine too.”

Brian wasn’t exactly going for subtlety, but he didn’t expect the topic of his presence there to be brought up so early in the conversation. Luckily, he didn’t give a shit.

“Nobody _sends_ me anywhere. Your mom whined about you. I decided to do her a favour because I have half a day to kill before my last meeting, and I was genuinely bored.”

“Uh-huh. I can give you a list of things to do in Cleveland, if that will help.”

“Why don’t you give me a tour of Case Western? Isn’t that where you were heading?” Brian motioned at Justin’s satchel.

“I’m going to the Institute, actually. The Cleveland Institute of Art. Can I just give you a tour of that and call it a day?”

“Hmmm…sure.”

“You can tell my mother that I’m fine.”

“You know, I’m happy to get a tour without needing insight into your mental health.”

Justin shot Brian a doubtful look, but whatever comments he had, he kept to himself.

Fortunately, Brian was not only interested in art, he was reasonably knowledgeable on the topic. He simply commented on the various displays, not even requiring Justin to respond. He asked for Justin’s opinion about his clients, and asked for Justin’s opinion on the Cleveland ad industry. Just regular conversation that didn’t touch upon how much Justin was eating, who he was seeing, how many friends he had, and what Justin did to keep himself occupied.

The tour was eventually done, and Justin walked him to what looked like a bus halt.

“There’s a shuttle that will take you back downtown. It’s a short ride – 5km.”

“Thanks. What’s your doctorate in, again?”

“Art history. Brian, you don’t need to feign interest in me. You were a good samaritan. Mom will be glad. Thank you.”

“She’s worried. She thinks you’re unhappy.”

“I’m happy. If people think I’m unhappy, I’m cool with that too. I’m happy being unhappy.”

“Like your giraffe. Who, by the way, doesn’t have a name. Unless I missed it. What’s his name?”

“He doesn’t have a name. He doesn’t need a name.”

“ _Every_ animal in a zoo is given a name. Have you ever been to a zoo?” Brian asked.

“Once, as a kid. I hate zoos. They can give him a name, but if he doesn’t accept it, that’s that, isn’t it? Names are human tools. Giraffes don’t need them, especially when they are missing two out of four legs.”

“You’re just a bundle of sunshine, aren’t you?”

Justin smiled lightly. “Brian, don’t make me a project. That’s what Mom wants you to do. She’s going to call you twenty times, if you made the mistake of giving her your contact number. It’s not going to work. Like I said, I’m happy being unhappy. Don’t turn me into a project, because you’re going to fail that course.”

“Don’t worry, good samaritan projects make my dick soft.”

Brian saw a slight flicker of recognition in Justin’s eyes, which he masked quickly. He nodded at Justin as the shuttle stopped in front of them.

“See you around, Sunshine.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

 

 

This story archived at <http://www.midnightwhispers.ca/viewstory.php?sid=3479>


	6. Chapter 6

“The more I know of the world, the more I am convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love. I require so much!”

 

      Jane Austen (Sense and Sensibility)

 

 

* * *

 

 Justin sat in his favourite armchair, basking in the sunlight, staring at his sketch pad. He had been thinking about Spencer. The randomness of it all. Some idiot, texting and driving, and that was it. Spencer was gone. They had just five years together and…gone.

Justin remembered what one of his friends at the time had said; that most relationships these days didn’t even last that long, so Justin should just be grateful for having had five good years.

Which was bullshit. It wasn’t gratefulness that Justin felt, it was guilt. Spencer shouldn’t have died. And…if Spencer had to die, he should have died too. He had no right being alive, being healthy, being fucking successful, when Spencer was…when Spencer was dead. He had no right to happiness when Spencer didn’t have a chance anymore.

And nobody got that. All anyone ever wanted to do was for him to ‘snap out of it’, to ‘be happy’, to do shit. They didn’t get that everyone lived just once, they found love just once, and that was it. At least, that’s how Justin saw life.

All anyone wanted was for him to be like them – happy, chirpy, guilt-free. He just couldn’t do that.

Running into Brian last weekend had been a complete surprise. Brian Kinney, a man from a lifetime ago.

Brian, who had been so different from everyone he knew. A person who did not give two shits about what others thought, about what society expected of him…and that’s why, instinctively, Justin had asked Brian to join them for dinner. He had known that Brian would be a welcome relief, a guy who wouldn’t spend the entire evening yammering sympathetic platitudes at him. And Brian being there would mean his mother wouldn’t spend the entire dinner looking at Justin with pity, trying to fix him.  

Still, his mother had managed to snare even Brian Kinney.

Oh well, Justin thought. Not like he was going to see Brian again, at least not for another 5 years.

Though…Brian really didn’t give a shit, it seemed, about what he said or did. Which was a relief.

Justin shook his head. He didn’t need any friends, or acquaintances, or anything. Even if it was in the form of Brian Kinney.

Justin’s reverie was disturbed by the ringing of his phone. Justin looked at it, and failed to recognize the number. This was no great surprise, even to him, because he rarely received any calls.

“Hello?”

“Do you own a nice, classy, suit?”

“What? Who is this? I think you have the wrong number.”

“For fuck’s sake. This is Brian. Kinney,” the person added, as an afterthought. “I got your number from your mother. Now, you have a nice suit, right?”

“I…of course…I…what is this about? Why are you calling me?” Justin was so caught off-guard and confused, that it didn’t even strike him to not answer Brian’s question.

“There’s a fundraiser – expensive cocktails, really – this evening at the Marriott. Schmoozing the attendees will definitely increase my chances of snagging a new client or two.”

“What does _any_ of that have to do with me?”

“I need you to come with me. I can’t just attend alone, like some loser.”

Justin rolled his eyes, even though he knew that Brian couldn’t see him. “Well, why _me_?”

“You live in Cleveland, you’re male, you’re good looking,” Brian supplied, in way of an answer.

“Wow, that’s so flattering.” Justin snarked.

“I wasn’t going for flattery; I was going for brevity. Can you be ready in…say…three hours?”

Justin sighed in exasperation. “Brian, you know, if you are bereft of friends or dates, there are people you can hire for these kinds of things. I’d be happy to make a list of agencies and email them to you, if that will help.”

Brian scoffed. “Escorts – even high-class ones – are rarely articulate enough to navigate cocktails. Besides which, someone with a modicum of discernment will be able to spot an escort a mile away. I suppose these are the pitfalls of having no suitable friends. You’re educated, live in the city, and don’t give off that escort vibe. So, three hours, then?”

Jesus, the man was relentless. “Brian, I’m sorry, I’m busy.”

“Doing what? You have less friends than I do, and no life. What on earth could you be busy with?”

Justin bristled. “I have a game of Scrabble to finish. And I need to make dinner.”

“You’re playing Scrabble with someone?” Brian sounded genuinely surprised. “Someone’s there?”

Justin was tempted to lie, but found it impossible to. “No, I play online. It’s called the internet.”

“Of course. Look, I’ll play a game with you. I’ll even let you win.”

This time, it was Justin who scoffed. “I’d win, regardless.”

“That’s the kind of modesty I appreciate, Sunshine,” Brian said. “And I’ll buy you dinner.”

“I can buy my own dinner.” Justin said prissily.

“Great. I don’t even have to spend money on you. You have your own clothes, and your own food. I got your address from your mom, I have to finish some work, and then I’ll be taking the I-76. Be ready in three hours.”

The line went dead.

Justin stared, sputtering at his phone.

He sighed. Looks like he would have to start getting dressed now.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It had been three days since the event that Brian had dragged him to, and Justin had not heard from the man since. Justin was unwilling to admit that the cocktail had gone much, much, better than the horror scenarios his imagination had served up. His editor from _The Daily_ had also been there, which was unexpected relief. Who knew that it helped knowing someone in a room full of strangers? Brian had clearly charmed the socks of the guests, and it had actually been unexpectedly easy to be arm candy.

Justin ordered his usual coffee, lost in thought. Like always, he briefly contemplated buying a coffee maker, and then decided he couldn’t be bothered.

“Are you paying separately, or shall I wait for your friend’s order?” The barista smiled sweetly at Justin.

Justin frowned. He _had_ no friends.

“I’ll have an Americano, and we’ll have those two muffins.”

Brian Kinney. Of _course._

“Brian, fancy running into you here. Two entire hours away from your hometown.”

“Yeah, fancy that. Keep the change,” Brian said, paying for the order.

“I don’t want a muffin.” Justin said, even though he knew it sounded childish.

“They only have two; if I buy just one, no one will buy the left over one. Be courteous to the places you frequent, Sunshine. That’s how you become valued customers. Come, I see a free table there.”

Exasperated, Justin followed Brian to the table. It was incredible that Brian wasn’t even making up a lie to explain his presence in a city two hours away.

“I forgot to thank you for coming with me to that event. It went well. I’m pretty sure we can get Pinck Pharmaceuticals; maybe even Kurland’s account.”

Justin rolled his eyes. “Good for you.  Congratulations on your impending success.”

“Mmm hmm. But you helped. You made for good optics.”

“I’m so flattered. You’re welcome. You could have just said this through an email.” Against his better judgement, Justin dug into the muffin. From the corner of his eye, he could see the barista glance at them. Who could blame her?

“This is the problem with you academic types,” Brian said. “No practical knowledge. I _could_ have just sent you an email, but that’s poor, perfunctory customer service. I’ve driven all the way here to say thank you, Sunshine, and despite your insistence on purchasing your own food, I’ve got you a muffin and coffee. You feel flattered at the effort I’ve made to say thanks, and next time I need a favour, you’ll feel bad saying no.”

“I’m _not_ flattered, and there will _not_ be a next time, and _why_ do you insist on calling me by that absurd nickname?”

“What, ‘Sunshine’? In honour of your fun, vivacious, bright-as-sunshine personality.”

“Charming.” Justin tried his best to not smile, even slightly. “Widely inaccurate, but charming.”

Brian sipped his coffee, taking the newspaper from the next table. “Well, it’s not my fault that it’s inaccurate now; there was a time when the name would have fit you to a T.”

“Times change. People change.”

“So I thought, but you seem to be stuck in neutral.”

“Didn’t we already have this conversation? I told you: I’m happy being exactly the way I am.”

“Hmmm.”

Brian busied himself reading an article in the paper, and Justin assumed that they were done. He pulled out his sketchbook, seeing as how there was only one newspaper in their vicinity. They sat like that for a while in silence, so when Brian spoke again, he caught Justin by surprise.

“You know, I think it was you that said – years ago – that we’re born again over and over in this life, every time we change our dreams, our ideas…and something else.”

“Colours,” Justin said, in spite of himself. “Our colours.”

“Right. But you seem stuck in neutral. No dreams, no ideas,” Brian said, and gesturing towards Justin’s grey attire, “certainly no colour. You’re not being reborn, you’re barely alive. I get it. You had a partner, he was your first, true love, and now he’s gone. But to sequester yourself –”

_“You_ were my first love,” Justin said, correcting – and seemingly surprising – Brian. “Don’t you remember? You were my first, and I followed you around like a puppy until you made it clear that nothing was ever going to happen?” He smiled at the memory. “I pined for you for _months_. Promised myself that I’d hunt you down when I was older…anyway. I met Spencer when I went to college, and you could say that he helped me get over you.”

“I was going to call you lame, but, in light of this new information – that I was the first guy you fell for – perhaps ‘lame’ would be a bit harsh.”

Justin shook his head. “You’re really weird. And I have to go now. Have a safe drive back.”

 

 

* * *

 

It had been over a week, and Justin had not heard from either his mother or Brian, so he thought he had successfully gotten rid of Brian, together with his mother’s latest attempts to meddle in his life.

Sadly, he was mistaken. Justin realized this when he went to pick up coffee, before he went to do some research at the university. He had overslept and was a tad distracted. His regular barista gave him the coffee, smiling at him, and said “Your friend has been waiting for a bit.”

Justin looked to where she was pointing, and saw Brian, reading the newspaper, sipping his Americano.

“Brian. Have they stopped serving coffee in Pittsburgh?”

“Justin, charming as always. Come, sit. You’re just the guy I was looking for.”

Sighing, Justin obliged Brian by taking a seat. “Of course I am. Do you have another cocktail to attend, that you’re too embarrassed to hire an escort for?”

“Actually, I have a meeting later today, but I’m free until three. I believe you traded a tour of Case Western for the Institute. I’m thinking we could squeeze in a tour before three.”

“Seriously?”

“Well, that, and I have an actual favour to ask of you.”

“Uh-huh.” Justin wasn’t sure if he found Brian’s audacity charming or annoying. “So you _are_ short of an escort?”

“Idiot. Of course not. It’s my best friend’s birthday tomorrow, and he’s a huge fan. Of yours, that is. So, I’m thinking that you could autograph your first strip for him, as JT. My office had it mounted, to save us all the trouble,” Brian said, patting the briefcase that Justin just noticed.

“Of course, you just assumed that I’d say ok to all of this…?”

“You’re a well-bred gentleman. Why wouldn’t you? Come on, let’s start the tour. My car’s parked outside.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

A week later, Brian was looking over some draft scripts in his office, when Ted walked in, unannounced.

“Why yes, of course, do come in Theodore.”

Ted ignored Brian’s jibe. “So that autograph you got Michael for his birthday…it _really_ was JT’s autograph, wasn’t it?”

Brian put down the script, to look at Ted. “Did you _actually_ think that I gave Michael a fake autograph?”

Ted shrugged, embarrassed. “Well…you never mentioned meeting JT, and I…anyway. He’s turned you into a cartoon.”

“What?”

“There’s a special edition of ‘ _Spotted_ ’ for _The Cleveland Daily_ anniversary edition. Look,” Ted said, waving a newspaper at Brian. “There’s this ad exec called Brian, who’s trying to make a prosthetic leg for the giraffe…and…”

“Give me that.” Brian stood up, grabbing the paper from Ted.

Indeed, there _was_ an ad exec called Brian, trying to fashion prosthetic limbs for the giraffe. Trying and failing.

“The fucker.”

Brian smiled. He was getting somewhere.

 

 

 

End Notes:

* * *

Just wanted to thank everyone who reads, favourites and reviews - comments are golden :).

Also want to thank the Admins and Powers-That-Be of this site for giving another one of my stories a blue ribbon. Completely unexpected. I'm honoured. Thank you!

 

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

 

 

This story archived at <http://www.midnightwhispers.ca/viewstory.php?sid=3479>


	7. Chapter 7

“Two people in love, alone, isolated from the world, that's beautiful.”

 

     Milan Kundera (Identity)

 

* * *

 

Justin was expecting a call from Brian, so when his phone rang for the first time that day, Justin knew exactly who it was.

“Hello Brian. How are you?”

“You little fucker. When are you paying me royalties? You used my…likeness.”

“Au contraire. I think there are a lot of ad execs named Brian. Besides, aren’t you a rung or two above a mere executive?”

Brian grunted. “I never said you could use me as inspiration.”

“It’s not you,” Justin said, and he was struggling to keep the laughter out of his voice.

“So…coffee?”

“Um…” Justin didn’t want to be rude and say no, but there was _two hours_ worth of good road between them. A good road with tolls.

“…are you in Cleveland right now?”

“It’s only a two hour drive. I’m getting bored of reading the same old shitty scripts anyway.”

Justin wanted to tell Brian that he was crazy, but the man was making a tremendous effort, and Justin couldn’t be mean anymore.

“Ok, why don’t you call me when you’re nearby, and I’ll head down?”

What the hell, Justin thought. Maybe he could buy Brian dinner; he _had_ profited from using Brian as inspiration, after all.

Justin got the feeling that the giraffe might see more of that ad exec.

 

* * *

 

It was at times annoying, at times exasperating, and at times amusing. Brian and his two hour drives for coffee. Justin stopped commenting on the seeming lack of coffee in Pittsburgh when Brian kept inviting him for coffee, in Cleveland, because Justin realised the sentiment behind the gesture. It was also absurd to say no to someone who had gone to such trouble. Justin knew that Brian had clients in this city, but all the time Brian was here...he knew they weren't all prompted by client meetings.

He knew he couldn’t reciprocate; Justin loathed driving, didn’t own a car, a train ride to Pittsburgh took close upon four hours and the idea of having to go to Pittsburgh and deal with everyone he knew made Justin gag.

However, it would have been nice if Brian gave any kind of warning before his impromptu trips. Sometimes he surprised Justin in the morning, as Justin was picking up his own drink, sometimes he got a two hour warning in the afternoon, and sometimes just a twenty minute head’s up.

At least when Brian had another event in Cleveland, he had been kind enough to call an entire day in advance. Not that he asked Justin about his availability; Brian simply informed him that his attendance was required. Customer service my foot, Justin thought wryly.

Of course, Brian knew his schedule because of his beloved mother, as well as the simple fact that the whole world knew that Justin had no life to speak of. Plus, a doctoral student in Art History had a very simple, very portable life.

Justin had given the matter considerable thought, and had formulated a plan. Justin was just waiting for the opportune moment to pull another good one on Brian, just like he had with the cartoon strip.

He got lucky that afternoon.

“Hello?”

“Wanna grab some coffee? I’ll be there in…fifteen…twenty minutes?”

“Naah, sorry, I can’t,” Justin said, affecting disinterest.

“What? Why not? Where are you?” Brian sounded annoyed and a tad incredulous. Justin stifled a giggle. Who could blame Brian – the man had driven for almost two hours, after all.

“I’m just…around. I don’t want coffee. I actually am in the middle of something.”

“ _What_ thing?”

“Research stuff. Anyhoo. Gotta go. Catch you next time you’re in town, okay? Bye!”

Justin disconnected the line before Brian said anything.

He waited ten minutes, trying hard not to laugh. He also felt bad, and knew that he’d be buying Brian dinner again, to alleviate his feeling of guilt.

He called Brian back as soon as ten minutes had passed. “Hey, Brian?”

“Who the fuck else will answer my cell phone?” Brian growled.

“So…yeah…I think I’ll actually have some coffee, after all. You said…what? Fifteen minutes? Twenty?”

“You’re such a little fucker,” Brian cursed. “Like a little kid. Infantile.”

Now Justin couldn’t stop his laughter. “Wow, Brian, that’s a really strong word.”

“Fuck. You.”

He burst out laughing again. “Ok, ok, I’m sorry. It was too good to resist. Look, they’re screening some Greek films at the Institute at seven. Do you want to join me? They even have subtitles, just for people like you.”

“You will pay for this. Dearly.”

“I’ll pay for dinner,” Justin responded. “And I need your email address.”

“What for? I’ll be there in fifteen.”

“I’m going to start a game of Scrabble with you until then. Online. Need to send you an invite for that. I’m also going to beat you, but I’ve already warned you.”  

“We’ll see about that. Saturday, eight weeks from now, Cynthia’s getting married. You’re coming with me.”

“What? No! Weddings are awful!”

“Precisely why I can’t suffer through one alone. Come on Sunshine, take the train to the Pitts and I’ll drive you back.”

“But…but…then you won’t be able to drink,” Justin pointed out.

“This is an excellent point. So you can pay for your stunt just now by staying with your mom, and I’ll drive you back the next day.”

“I’m not staying at my mom’s place.”

“You can have my couch.”

“Fine. You owe me.”

 

* * *

 

“Cynthia!”

Cynthia walked into his office, with Ted hovering behind her.

Brian glared at them both, though neither of them were responsible for his foul mood. Kinnetic had pitched for the Ives Industries account, and lost. Brian didn’t even understand why; they had, by all accounts, presented excellent work. Half the office had slaved away on the material for weeks. Brian was pouring over the presentation again, but for the life of him, there wasn’t anything he would have changed, even in hindsight. This was simply the best work they could have come up for the account.

“You called, Brian?”

“Good, you’re both here. Why the fuck is this file on my table? Cynthia? Do you just dump any and everything on my table, without using any judgment of your own? Ted? Is there a reason you think I need to look at gibberish like this?”

“Brian…it’s the media sales from last month. I thought that you wanted to monitor our presence…”

“Why in the fuck are you giving it to me now? Have you figured out why we lost Ives? Is that why we’re moving onto fucking media sales from last month now?”

Ted looked at Cynthia, without saying anything, and Brian took a deep breath, trying to control his frayed temper. If he could just –

“Brian, I think your cell phone is ringing…?” Cynthia said quietly.

So it was.

“Hello?”

“Hey Brian.”

It was Justin.

“Hey.”

“I just finished the strips for next month, and I wondered if you wanted to see them before I…are you ok? You sound weird.”

“I just said ‘hey’.”

“It was a _weird_ ‘hey’. Is everything okay?”

“No,” Brian said, oblivious to Cynthia and Ted’s presence. “We just lost the Ives pitch. For no fucking reason at all, it seems.”

“Oh Brian, I’m so sorry. That’s…I know you were excited about that pitch…I’m sorry.”

Brian sighed. “Shit happens.”

“Do you want to grab a coffee?”

“What?” Brian frowned, instinctively walking to his window to peer outside. “Are you in Pittsburgh?”

“Of course not. But if you were to grab a coffee – _here_ \- I could try and cheer you up. You sound upset. And I’m sure you hanging around the office isn’t exactly helping.”

“I’m not…” Brian paused. Actually, a coffee and speaking with Justin was looking very tempting right now. “Yes, I want to grab a coffee. I’ll call you when I’m close.”

Brian grabbed his blazer, and the file with the media sales. He’d find time to read it somewhere.

“Are you getting coffee? Could you get me one?” Cynthia asked.

“I’m going to Cleveland. I’m not getting you any fucking coffee. And I won’t be back today.”

“Cleveland? Again?” Ted asked.

Brian turned around and glared at him. “You have a problem, Ted?”

Ted shook his head.

As Brian was walking out of the office, he heard Ted whisper to Cynthia, ‘they must have _really_ good coffee in Cleveland’.

“Another word out of you and you’re fired,” Brian threw over his shoulder as he left.

 

 

End Notes:

Thanks to everyone reading and reviewing, special thanks to the Admins of this site, and also, to my beta, Xrifree, without whom this story would simply not exist.

 

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

 

 

This story archived at <http://www.midnightwhispers.ca/viewstory.php?sid=3479>


	8. Chapter 8

"I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,

in secret, between the shadow and the soul."

      Pablo Neruda (100 Love Sonnets)

 

* * *

"There's a call for you from a Jennifer Taylor, Mr. Kinney."

Brian sighed. Ever since Cynthia had been promoted to do more than manage his calendar, he had gone through a roster of assistants, not one of them lasting for too long. This one – Jill - had lasted longer than the others; but no matter how many times she was told to call him 'Brian', it was always 'Mr. Kinney'.

"Yes, please put her through…Jennifer? Hello."

"Hello Brian. I hope I'm not disturbing."

"It's fine; I needed a break anyway."

Brian hadn't spoken to Jennifer for a while now…it had probably been close upon two months now. Initially, he had called her now and then, just to let her know that Justin seemed to be doing okay. First okay, then better. As time passed, it didn't seem so necessary. Justin had been drawn out of his shell – more or less – and Brian thought it wasn't as important anymore to keep Jennifer in the loop. If something upset Justin, or went wrong, Brian was certain that he himself would know.

"Brian, we haven't spoken in a while; I've been meaning to call you, perhaps take you out for lunch, but things have been a bit hectic with work."

"That's quite alright…no worries."

"No. Brian. I…I want to thank you." Jennifer's voice cracked slightly. "I want to thank you for helping my son. If you hadn't stepped into his life when you did…"

"Jennifer, please don't. You don't have to thank me. Justin was always…special. I'm glad I ran into him again when I did. It's nice to have a friend I can willingly take to cocktail parties," Brian added wryly.

"Friend…" Jennifer paused before she continued. "Yes, yes I suppose it is. Justin, he called me yesterday and -"

"Everything okay?"

"Yes…it's just…he called to ask what he should send his sister for her birthday. It's been _so_ long since he expressed any interest at all in the world outside of his degrees that…and now he calls me…not often, not for long, but he's communicating with me…with the world again…it's like he's being reborn…I just had to call you and thank you."

Brian was beginning to feel embarrassed. "Jennifer, I told you, we all had something to gain from Justin returning to the land of the living. No need to say another word."

"You gained a… _friend_ …you said…hmm, yes, that's _one_ way to look at it, I suppose. Justin said something about a museum tour he is going to do? For some research? Are you joining him for it, or…is he doing this alone? I worry about him traveling alone, and I would have asked Justin myself, but I didn't want him to get annoyed and think that I was prying."

"Which is precisely what you're doing," Brian pointed out.

"Well…I'm…"Jennifer started stuttering, and Brian laughed.

"It's okay Jennifer, I understand where you're coming from. I know he's going to several museums, looking at all the Greek art they've _'stolen'_ , as he likes to put it –"

"He ranted about that with you too, did he?" Jennifer asked, with the hint of a smile in her voice.

Brian rolled his eyes remembering Justin's speeches on the topic, though Jennifer couldn't see it. "Endlessly. I told him to write a book about it, because I was sick of him telling me about it. I know Justin is flying to Chicago on Monday, and then to D.C. from there. He's a big boy, Jennifer. He'll be fine."

"You're not joining him then, I take it?

"Not for those, no. Weekend after though, I'm meeting him in Boston, to do the Museum of Fine Arts there, then onto the Met, then ending in Philadelphia at the Penn Museum."

"That's a lot of museums for a weekend," Jennifer commented.

Brian shrugged – again, though Jennifer couldn't see it. "I did the museum circuit with him years ago. It's actually not so bad."

Jennifer paused, and Brian got the feeling that she wasn't saying what she really wanted to, but he didn't press the matter. It was Jennifer Taylor, after all. She certainly didn't need an invitation to speak.

"Well…thank you for speaking with me Brian. I'm going to speak to your assistant and schedule a lunch for us anyway. I do want to thank you in person."

"Sure. I'll just transfer this call to her then. It was nice speaking to you Jennifer." With that, Brian transferred the call to Jill, and let her deal with scheduling lunch.

Brian leaned back in his chair, rubbing his eyes. Both mother and son had him wrapped around their little fingers, and they didn't even realise it.

Well, maybe Jennifer did. She was smart, shrewd and observant.

And so was Brian. Which is why he recognized what she was trying to subtly hint at; the idea that Justin and he were more than friends. Or that they _should_ be.

Brian had sensed for a time that Jennifer would be more than happy if he and Justin were in a more-than-just-friends relationship. He couldn't blame her for the sentiment.

It was the middle of the work day, but Brian considered getting himself a drink. He always considered a drink when the two topics of Justin and relationships joined together inside his head.

Who the fuck _wouldn't_ want to be in a relationship with Justin? Brian was under no illusions about what his feelings were for the blonde. He hadn't realised it at first, but after a while, there was no denying it. He craved Justin like a really bad drug, and was forcing himself to be content with Justin was able to offer.

Friendship.

And fuck whatever Jennifer thought. Her brain was clearly addled when it came to the issue. If and when Justin was ready to be in a relationship again, he deserved to be with somebody decent. Normal. Wholesome, like Spencer had been. Not an older, dickish, asshole like Brian. He had zero experience in being in a relationship, in being responsible for the happiness of another, and in being the kind of person a guy like Justin deserved.

The idea of Justin and him being more than friends was all pie in the sky. When the time came, Brian would make sure that Justin was with someone that had the capacity to make him happy.

That was how it had to be, despite whatever expectations Jennifer was harbouring.

Despite whatever Brian himself wanted.

 

* * *

 

It was an indoor wedding, but an entire side of the hall was glass, affording them a beautiful view of the autumn trees. The whole place was understated, classy and beautiful.

"Justin, can I get you a drink?"

Justin smiled at Brian. "I'll have whatever you're having."

He watched Brian's retreating back. Brian was taking prodigious care of him. Justin knew that it hadn't struck Brian initially that he had asked Justin to accompany him to a _wedding_ …the last 'wedding' Justin had attended being his own. He knew when it had dawned on Brian - when they had been in Boston. That's when Brian had asked him if he was too busy with school to attend, and if so, that it was fine. Justin knew that Brian was giving him an out. But…he had given Brian his word. He hadn't wanted to go back on that. Plus, he knew how much Brian loathed to come to these kinds of functions on his own, even if it _was_ the wedding of one of his dearest and most trusted friends. So he had feigned ignorance and said that he had enough time to manage everything.

And…he _was_ okay with it. He wasn't weeping in a corner, and he wasn't getting blindingly drunk, trying to block out the past. This was just another big party. He had done a few events with Brian by now to not freak out just because this was a wedding. A wedding was just a big party, and he was Brian's…plus one.

That thought made Justin pause. What did 'plus one' mean, anyway? He looked around, wondering. Were all the twosomes here couples? Did people here think that Brian and he were…except they weren't.

He had thought about this when they were spending the night in New York as well. They had shared a room, and out of the blue, Justin had felt incredibly self-conscious.

Why did he feel like that then, and why was he thinking all these nonsensical thoughts now, Justin asked himself. He took a deep breathe. Brian was his best friend, and Brian had brought colour back into his life, and Justin just couldn't screw that up by getting all weird about nothing, he told himself.

He saw Brian, looking immaculate as always, walking towards him with a woman.

Unfortunately, this didn't _feel_ like nothing.

"Hi, you're Brian's friend, right?"

Justin snapped out of his reverie, smiling at the two men that had appeared next to him.

"Justin, this is Ted, Kinnetic's CFO and general all-round pain-in-the-ass, his long-suffering husband Blake, and Nina, one of our Art Directors. This is Justin Taylor," Brian said, having also made his way to where Justin was, handing him a scotch.

Justin smiled as Ted rolled his eyes. "I've heard a lot about all of you."

"Nice to meet you, Justin. Are you one of the many advertising people in this room?" Nina asked, smiling.

"Hardly. He's finishing his PhD in Art History," Brian said, almost proudly.

Justin tried not to blush, especially when he noticed the discreet look that was exchanged between Ted and Blake.

"Wow…that's so impressive. Are you at Carnegie?" Blake asked.

"No…I'm from…I'm at Case Western."

"Case Western…in Cleveland…Art History," Ted mused aloud.

Justin knew the instant it clicked in Ted's mind as to who he was. Ted knew he was JT.

Justin knew that Brian got it too, as he felt Brian put an arm around him in silent protection. He knew that Brian would steer the conversation elsewhere, or steer _Justin_ elsewhere, to keep him from answering questions he didn't want to. Justin leaned into Brian, gently patting his hand to let Brian know that he was ok. This wasn't a big deal; he could handle the questions.

Nevertheless, Brian still held onto him.

Ted, for his part, simply smiled genially at them. It was impossible to know what Ted was thinking.

"Do you cover much music under Art History, or is it purely the visual medium? I'm more of an opera person myself. Though…a really great opera is both the music and the visual. A grand spectacle."

Justin smiled, grateful that Ted was going to let it go. "I'm concentrating on the visual. But you're right…Puccini had operas that were all about the crazy lives of desperate painters, right?"

"Yes! In _La Bohème_ and _Tosca_ –"

"I don't think anyone here has enough alcohol in them to listen to you both discuss the finer points of _La Bohème_ and _Tosca,_ " Brian stated dryly.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to side with Brian on this one," Blake added.

"So much for intellectual conversation. Justin, you and I have to chat later about this, when these Neanderthals will be sitting under a table, eating steak with their bare hands," Ted said conspiratorially.

Justin nodded. "They're just jealous, clearly."

Nina laughed. "Stop it, Ted! That's gross, and now that image is going to be stuck in my head while I eat."

"There's no steak on the menu," Brian proffered.

"Thank heavens. I do _not_ want to get sick just before I go on vacation."

"Vacation! Nice. Where are you off to?" Blake asked.

"Greece. Flying out tomorrow, so I just barely made it here tonight," Nina said, almost giddily.

Justin's eyes lit up. "Greece? It's so beautiful there."

Nina grinned. "I _know_. My grandparents still live there, so I'm going to visit them."

"You're Greek! Wow, that's –"

Brian cut him off. "Don't get so excited, Sunshine, she doesn't actually speak the language."

The other three in the group looked at Justin with renewed interest. "You speak Greek?" Ted asked him.

"Very poorly. It was a language requirement."

"A language requirement you willfully chose," Brian reminded him.

"Wow," Ted said. "That's surprising. Did you know…did you have a background in it?"

Justin felt Brian's grip on him tighten almost imperceptibly.

"No…but I had to learn _something._ And I…we…I…had been to Greece years ago, and I just…it was…I had such an amazing time. So it was the one language on the list that actually spoke to me."

"That's so cool…I wish I spoke something other than English," Blake said. "We have a friend – Melanie – she speaks German and Japanese."

"Mel speaks all the Axis powers," Ted added.

Brian scoffed. "Naturally."

Justin wanted them to keep talking. Brian was still holding onto Justin, and never had Justin been more aware of Brian. He could feel Brian under the expensive suit, he could smell Brian over the flowers and alcohol and myriad of other scents there. Justin could swear that his pulse had quickened, and he shook his head. _Why_ was he getting so weird all of a sudden?

"You okay?" Brian whispered, clearly noticing the shaking of the head.

"Mmm hmmm." Justin smiled brightly, and took a larger than normal sip from his drink. He had been working hard, a lot of traveling…that was all. This was all just exhaustion catching up with him.

He had better not be falling for Brian.

He had better fucking not be.

 

* * *

 

"There's a bag of chips and some granola bars in the glove compartment," Brian said, not taking his eyes off the road.

"I didn't say anything!"

"Yet, you're already dying of starvation. I knew that the minute we pulled onto the highway, you'd be whining for food."

"Except for the fact that I didn't whine."

"But you would have."

Justin scoffed, but Brian was right. He found one of the granola bars and started munching on it.

"You must be exhausted, Brian. I told you I could take the train back."

"Meh. You took the train to the Pitts, and I promised to drive you back. Besides, you hate the train."

"I hate everything," Justin pointed out.

"This is true. You hate driving, you hate cars, trains, people…we might have to colonize Mars just for you."

Justin smiled and kept eating. They had each woken up quite late. Upon Brian's suggestion, they had a small breakfast, with plans to grab lunch in Cleveland.

"You were exhausted last night; I had to carry you upstairs," Brian commented, after a few moments of silence.

"You did not! I was awake; I walked."

"Is that what you call that? You fell asleep in the cab and could barely make it to the elevator. I was afraid you'd fall over and break a bone if I didn't help you."

Justin looked out the window so that Brian wouldn't see him redden. It _was_ true. He _had_ been exhausted, and Justin honestly could not remember how he had made it back. Contrary to Brian's promise of a couch, his condo had a guest room, which was where Justin found himself in the morning. He was also acutely aware that he didn't remember if he had managed to take his suit off himself before crawling into bed, or whether Brian had…

"And you drooled on me. In the cab."

"I did not! That's a lie! You take that back!"

Brian snickered. "You did. Just a teeny bit."

"Brian Kinney, you are a first class liar. I don't drool."

Justin stared at the road intently. God, he hoped he hadn't drooled on Brian.

"Did you have fun last night?" Brian asked more seriously.

"I did. You have a great group of people at Kinnetic. And Cynthia…she was a _gorgeous_ bride. Stunning."

"She likes you; I can tell from the fact that she wanted to dance with you twice, and you weren't the guy marrying her."

"I was the best dancer there, that's why."

"Also the best looking, and probably the most educated," Brian remarked.

Justin opened his mouth to say something, and then looked down at his lap in quiet embarrassment, when he realised that he didn't know what to say. Finally he said, "I was probably one of the younger people there. We both know who the best looker was."

Brian didn't respond, and they drove in silence for a while.

"Why don't you date someone?"

"What?" Justin had been quietly sketching, and Brian's question shocked him into ceasing all activity. "Dating? Me?"

"Despite your I-hate-everythingness, you're a people person. I saw you work the room last night; you got along with everyone."

"You're nuts. I didn't 'work the room', as you put it, and I certainly didn't talk to everyone, much less get along with everyone. I was with _you_ more than half the time."

"Nonsense," Brian said, dismissing what Justin just said. "My point was, you should start dating someone."

Justin looked at him, but Brian was looking at the road, expression inscrutable. Justin tried to clamp down his conflicting emotions, and think. Was Brian –

"Oh, don't get your panties in a twist already," Brian scoffed at him. "Just because you date someone, you don't have to marry them. You don't even have to date just one person. You can date several."

"Brian…why don't _you_ date someone?"

"I don't do dates. I went on a date just once, and I fucked the waiter. Anyway, we're talking about you."

Justin sighed. "Well, ignoring for the moment my point that I don't want to date anyone, I wouldn't know what the fuck to do on a date anyway, let alone the fact that I don't know people that one could date."

"Remedial facts, both of those. People can be found, and dating is easy; any monkey can do it."

"Oh? Really?"

"Of course. We can have a dry run. Good evening, Justin. You're looking really good. I hope you like the restaurant, it's a lovely Italian place, run by the same family for generations."

"Uh-huh."

"Not 'uh-huh'. Say something charming in response. You're trying to impress your date. And, you are _not_ to rant about stolen Greek artifacts for the entire evening; write a book, petition the UN, but do _not_ bring it up on a date."

Justin sighed in exasperation. "Fine. You look…wonderful. I love Italian food, I'm glad you picked this place. Do you come here often?"

"Not too often, but I brought my son here last week. He won an art competition at school and we were celebrating."

"You have a son? I love children. How old is he?"

"He's ten. He lives with his mothers – a lesbian couple – but I see him often enough."

"That's really sweet. And we used the word 'often' three times in the last thirty seconds."

Brian couldn't help laughing at that, as he glanced at Justin before looking back at the road. "It's charming that you noticed that."

Justin smiled. "Does your son take after you, being a budding young artist?"

"One of his mother, actually. In fact, they're both displaying 'family art' at a charity exhibition at the GLC in two weeks."

"Really? Wow. I'd love to see it…I mean, if you don't mind."

"Sure. In fact, that's where we got your painting."

"We?"

"Kinnetic. My office. One of your paintings was being auctioned at the GLC a few years ago, and I bought it. 'Santorini'. It's as beautiful as…it's as beautiful as you are."

Justin stared at Brian. "So...you knew me before we met," he said quietly.

"You could say that, I suppose. But I'm glad we formally met and had dinner."

"And dessert."

"Of course. And now that I've settled the bill, I can drop you back to your place…or you could come over to mine."

"Or you could just stay over after you drop me home."

Their eyes met, briefly, before Brian looked back at the road.

Justin forced himself to look away from Brian, and concentrate on the view outside.

"I told you, see how easy dating is?" Brian said nonchalantly.

Justin stared out the window, unable to respond.

 

End Notes:

**A/N:** Thanks to everyone who is reading, following, favouriting (yup, made up a word right there!) and reviewing this story. I consider myself to be kind of a fringe author, not really writing the kind of stories a lot of people read, so it feels great when I get reviews from you awesome peeps :)

 

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

 

 

This story archived at <http://www.midnightwhispers.ca/viewstory.php?sid=3479>


	9. Chapter 9

 

* * *

"In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."

― Jane Austen (Pride and Prejudice)

 

* * *

 

Brian was actually thinking about Justin when the blonde called him…it was November now, and soon, it would be snowing. Driving to Cleveland was going to take considerably longer than two hours once winter was in full swing. And yet…

"Hey there Sunshine. You won. Again. I swear, you're cheating. Nobody wins at Scrabble like this."

There was laughter. Brian smiled into the phone. Justin had seemed a bit…different recently, and Brian didn't know why. It was good that he was laughing; if something was wrong, Brian was sure that Justin would tell Brian when he was ready.

"You're just jealous. I don't cheat; I don't have to. I'll go easy on you next time."

"Fuck that; next time I play, you better fucking believe that I will have twelve dictionaries and half the writing team here, helping me."

Justin laughed again. "Bring. It. On. I'm _so_ ready for you."

The image that suddenly ran across Brian's mind was not at all what he expected, and he gave his head a shake. This had been happening too many times recently, and Brian knew he had to figure out a way to get it under control soon.

"Brian?"

"Hmmm?"

"Did you hear what I said?"

"No, sorry, this email…just gimme a minute." Brian sighed. Clearly, he had to get it under control sooner than later.

"Shall I call back later?"

"No, no, no. It's fine. Tell me."

"I'm thinking that I should come to Pittsburgh week after next. Week _end_ after next."

"Justin, what's wrong? What's going on?"

"Wrong? Nothing…it's Thanksgiving weekend. And…I think it's time I came back and spent it with Mom. Molly will be back for the weekend as well. Besides, you're there and…" Justin's voice trailed off, with more than a hint of uncertainty in it.

Brian understood what a big step this was for Justin; bringing back into his life the most important person he had shut out for the last three years.

"I think that's a great idea. Do you want me to drive you here? I can."

"No, don't be silly, that'd be crazy. You driving all the way here just to drive me back."

"It's only –"

"Yes, yes, it's only two hours," Justin said what Brian had been about to, "but no. It's still crazy. I'll take the train Friday evening."

Brian thought for a moment. "Are you going to stay with Jennifer? Because…if that's going to get annoying for you, you can just stay with me."

Justin paused for several seconds. "Ideally, yes. But, I think Mom would be hurt if I didn't stay with her."

Brian wanted to say that Jennifer wouldn't give a shit; she'd just be thrilled that Justin was going to be there for Thanksgiving at all, but he kept quiet. It probably _was_ better for both mother and son that Justin stayed with Jennifer.

Probably better for him too.

Justin continued to speak. "Umm…I know you're going to…I mean, you _have_ to be with Gus for Thanksgiving dinner, but…if you wanted to...you're welcome to come over anytime. I know Mom wouldn't mind."

Brian thought. Missing Debbie's dinner with everyone there was unthinkable, as much as he would dearly love to. But being at Debbie's and eating there were mutually exclusive. "I have to check what Lindsay & Mel's plans are, but tentatively, I could probably swing your way for lunch."

"Great!"

He could hear Justin smile.

Brian had been thinking a lot recently about Justin's life…how he deserved to be _really_ happy, with someone, in love. Justin was just that kind of person, who would be fulfilled with that life, no matter what he said. Preferably, he'd also be in Pittsburgh.

With the news that Justin was going to be coming for the weekend, a plan started formulating in Brian's mind.

"Sunshine, why don't you come on Wednesday instead of Friday?"

"Yeah? Do you have some event that you're too cheap to hire an escort for?" Justin laughed.

"Idiot. No. I thought you could meet Michael, check out Babylon, do something more than just eat turkey."

"Uhh…sure. Why not? Michael doesn't know I'm –"

"No, but he loves your work, and he'd definitely keep your secret. I want you to meet him regardless of whether he knows or not; I think he'd love to meet JT too, but that's entirely your decision."

"He's your best friend. If you think it's cool, then I'm fine with it."

 _Perfect_ , Brian thought.

 

* * *

 

Justin walked around Michael's comic book store. The place was meticulously organised, and fairly accessible, given that it wasn't the largest retail space. Justin was especially impressed by the variety of comics – several which were hardly mainstream – that Michael carried.

He was enjoying his trip to Pittsburgh so far. He had come in quite late yesterday exactly as Brian had suggested. And his mother had been _thrilled._ Molly was coming in tomorrow as well. He had done the right thing by coming… _home_ …for Thanksgiving. It hadn't felt like home for the longest time, but now, it just was…different. It felt right. Pittsburgh felt like the right place to be.

Justin sighed. Who was he kidding? If Brian wasn't based in Pittsburgh…no. It was Thanksgiving weekend, and he wasn't going to ruin it by thinking all these crazy thoughts. The time to deal with it, to think, to rationalize, was when he was alone, sitting in his armchair, back in Cleveland, away from everything and everyone.

He looked at his watch, deciding that it was time to drag Brian out to lunch. He was hungry. Justin had wanted to see Kinnetic, so Brian had given him a tour of the place. Then Brian had insisted that Justin had to meet Michael, and had brought him here. Michael seemed nice. He _had_ been thrilled to find out that Justin and JT were one and the same person; they had spoken at length about _Spotted_ and making a comic. Brian's birthday present to Michael was displayed prominently at the front. At Brian's suggestion, Justin had walked around the store on his own, having a look, but now he could no longer hear Brian and Michael talking at the front.

When he walked up to the front, he saw that only Michael was there, and a teenager who was browsing the new releases at the front. Perhaps Brian was outside, on a call.

"What'd you think? It's not Barnes & Nobles, but I have a pretty decent set of customers." Michael smiled at him, and there was something in Michael's eyes that Justin couldn't interpret. It wasn't pity…it almost looked like embarrassment.

"It's great! I'd have come here as a kid, if there had been a place like this." Technically, that was not true, because Justin had never read comics as a child. But he wanted to say something nice. He didn't want Michael to feel embarrassed or ashamed of his store.

Michael beamed.

Justin looked around. He couldn't see Brian outside.

"Where's Brian?"

There it was again - embarrassment on Michael's face. Justin was confused; why was Michael feeling embarrassed?

"He…uh…he had to leave. Some…er…he got this call…from work…some account thing. He had to go. To the office. His office. Kinnetic. I think. Actually, maybe not his office. I don't know. I mean, it was a work thing, but I'm not sure where he went."

"Uh-huh." Justin thought it was really weird that Brian would leave without saying anything. He looked at his phone to see if Brian had perhaps texted him, but he hadn't. Justin sighed.

"Anyway, umm…" Now Michael looked both embarrassed and uncomfortable. But he continued to speak. "You must be hungry. Brian said you'd probably be hungry. Do you want to go grab something to eat? My Mom runs this diner nearby…the food is okay, but it's a neighbourhood landmark. Almost. We could go there."

Justin looked at Michael, his appetite having disappeared a few minutes ago. "I've been there. You took me there."

"What?"

"We've met before," Justin said flatly. "Ten years ago. You bought me a burger, and told me that Brian didn't do boyfriends."

Michael stared at him, slightly slack-jawed. "I…we've met? I'm sorry, I don't remember…I told you Brian didn't do boyfriends? When? How? You've known Brian for ten years?"

"No…yes…no…you know what, it doesn't matter. It was a very long time ago." Justin shook his head, trying to shrug off his disappointment. Brian could have just told him that he was busy, instead of finding a babysitter for Justin. He then gave himself a shake; it was his own fault anyway. He should have known that Brian would have been busy. Not everyone was a perpetual student. It wasn't Brian's fault that Justin was an idiot. But it jarred him at how upset he was that Brian had just disappeared.

He just…he would go home. His mother would undoubtedly have something to eat. "You know what, I'm not really hungry. I have to get home, actually. I was supposed to do something with my mother."

"Oh. Okay." Michael seemed surprised, but also relieved. "Wait. Brian said that…there's this thing at the GLC today; Gus and Lindsay have some family art thing, and Brian said that…he wanted…umm…he won't be able to pick you up, so, I can pick you up and take…we could go to the GLC. I was going to attend anyway. And then we're all going to have dinner and go to Babylon afterwards. I think," Michael babbled.

Justin cocked his head to a side, confused. What on earth…?

"It's okay, Michael. Just tell me the time, and I'll come to the GLC."

"It's at 6.30. But…Brian will be pretty up...anno…he wanted me to pick you up. And it's no hassle, really."

Justin smiled at Michael, though he was still quite confused by Brian's planning. "Don't worry, it's fine. Brian worries about nothing; he thinks I'm incapable of taking the train from Cleveland to Pittsburgh, or vice versa. He thinks I can't travel any distance that's too far for walking. Really, it's okay," he added, seeing Michael's weird expression. "I'll get to the GLC by 6.30 without a problem. Don't worry."

 

* * *

 

"Having fun?"

Justin smiled at Brian, nodding. "This is…exactly what I expected from a club that you own," he said, gesticulating at the scenery around them.

Brian raised an eyebrow. "Meaning?"

"Dramatic, sexy, fun. Adult fun. Good adjectives, Brian," Justin said, laughing. "All good ones. I'm going to go get another drink. What do you want? Another scotch?"

"I'll get them," Brian said immediately.

"NOOOO," Justin said, pushing Brian against the railing with both hands. "You can't wait on me all the fucking time, and don't tell me that you own the club. I'm getting us the two drinks."

Brian smiled indulgently. "Whatever makes you happy, Sunshine. If you want to fetch the drinks, go on ahead."

Justin smiled, making his way to the bar. His mood had improved considerably since the afternoon. Having a nap had helped. Eating whatever his mother's fridge contained had helped. What helped the most was turning up at the GLC, finding Brian there, with none of the weirdness from the late morning. He had met Gus, who was an amazing kid, and Lindsay and Melanie, and everything had just felt _right_. And there had been no further disappearing acts, because here they were at Babylon, with Michael, Ted and Blake, none of whom Justin could locate anywhere.

Justin got the two drinks, but hesitated, opting to stand at the bar and watch Brian from a distance. Brian was talking to some guy, smiling. Justin stood there, admiring Brian from a distance. A conversation he had refused to have with himself threatened to force itself to the fore. Justin took a sip of his drink. Tonight, he was just –

"Hey. Having fun? We used to come here every fucking night those days. Brian was like, the king here. But now…none of us come here as often. You haven't been here before, have you?"

Justin was grateful for Michael's interruption. "No, I…never had the chance. And, yeah, the place is great. I _am_ having fun." That much was true. He _was_ having fun, thanks to a certain someone.

Justin allowed Michael to lead him back to Brian. The three of them stood around for a while, drinking, talking and laughing. There was safety in numbers, Justin thought at first, and welcomed Michael's presence.

But it didn't last for long. Even with Michael there, the attraction he was feeling towards Brian was potent. Within the sexual atmosphere at Babylon, it was hard to deny what he had been so resolutely avoiding thinking about for weeks. He was falling for Brian, and was attracted to him in a way that was now impossible to ignore.

And it just got worse when they started to dance. It was so easy to move into Brian, to be enveloped by him and just be transported to a whole other dimension. Justin had tried his best to avoid physical proximity with Brian for weeks now, but that gig was up. They were so close. He could feel the light stubble on Brian's face, the sheer maleness of that creating visions in his head. Brian had his arms tightly wrapped around Justin, and Justin could feel every contour of Brian's body, as if neither of them were wearing anything.

Even though there were a hundred others in the same building, at least half of them on the same dance floor, Justin couldn't register any of them. It was just Brian and him, in the middle of a sensual, intimate movement that was more than physical. It was just a dance, but at the same time, it was so much more than just a dance for him.

Justin remembered their first night together. Meeting outside Babylon, under a streetlight. The fear, the adrenaline, the raw attraction he had felt for Brian. The entire evening they had spent together, from the kissing to the talking to the dash to the hospital, the car ride back, the rimming, the sex, the hand stands and the shower and…Justin realised that he wanted that again.

All of it. All the time.

What he hadn't wanted to admit to himself hit him with full force now. His feelings for Brian, his attraction, the desperate need to have what they shared, once, in just one evening, a lifetime ago.

And it was wrong.

So, so, very wrong.

He had to leave.

He had to get out, leave Brian, leave Babylon.

He needed air, he needed to breathe, he needed…he needed to leave.

He looked at Brian, suddenly afraid of himself and what he had done. Justin looked around for an out, and got it when someone Brian knew tapped him on the shoulder, breaking up their unit. In the minute Brian took to speak to the guy, Justin broke free, disappearing into the crowd.

He made his way to exit, not even caring that he was leaving his jacket behind, that it would be close to freezing outside. It didn't matter. He just had to leave.

"Are you ok? Are you leaving?"

Justin stared at Michael for a second, uncomprehending, and unable to understand where Michael had appeared from. Michael had to repeat the question.

"Yes. No. Yes. I have to go. I…I need some air. It's too much. I…it's…it's claustrophobic. I have to…I need air. Can you, please, tell Brian I had to go?"

"Without a jacket? We'll drop you home. Just stay there, ok? I'll go get Brian. Just, stay there. I'll be back in a second."

Justin nodded mutely at Michael, but made a dash for the exit as soon as Michael went in search of Brian. Unfortunately, he didn't get very far outside of Babylon before Brian caught up to him.

Justin couldn't answer any of Brian's questions. All he could say was that he needed air, he felt dizzy and he _really_ wanted to go home. He wanted to be alone. They travelled, Justin in a mostly catatonic state, and Brian in silent worry.

When he got home, Justin sat under the shower for what seemed like hours, trying to wash away everything he thought and felt.

He was a terrible, horrible, person.

He had had Spencer. Justin had gotten his chance at love.

And then he had lost it. Spencer had died.

Spencer had died, and he had lived.

 _He_ should have been the one to die, not Spencer.

Spencer had been nothing but good and loving and decent.

But Justin wasn't good or loving or decent. He had tried. He had tried so hard, and often, it had been good enough. But Justin knew deep inside that it hadn't been all the time. For the first year he had been with Spencer, away at Dartmouth, he had thought about Brian. So many imagined scenarios, so many what ifs. He remembered the attraction he had felt for Brian during their holiday in Greece. It hadn't been always, but when he was with Spencer, he had still thought of Brian. Brian had been in his blood, popping up now and then, reminding Justin of his first, of his fantasy, of the man he had craved deep inside.

Even if he had never, ever done anything about it, it had still been wrong.

And now, instead of respecting Spencer's memory, instead of recognising that he had already been given his chance at love, here he was, falling for the one person who had haunted Justin even while he had been with Spencer.

Justin was wracked with guilt. Everything he had felt, everything he was feeling…it was _so_ wrong.

And he had no idea what to do about it.


	10. Chapter 10

"If I had a flower for every time I thought of you...I could walk through my garden forever."

     Attributed to Alfred Tennyson

 

* * *

 

"Honey, are you awake?"

"Hmmmmm."

Justin had, in fact, been awake for hours, even though he was still in bed. He heard the door open slowly, and Jennifer walked in.

"Brian called."

"Hmmm."

"He was worried about you."

Justin didn't respond.

"He was worried, and said you didn't answer your phone. I told him you were still asleep."

Justin felt the mattress dip softly, as Jennifer sat down quietly. He turned to face her, but still stayed prone.

"Justin, what happened last night?"

"Nothing. We went to Babylon…the club Brian owns. I felt sick. I…we left early."

Jennifer reached over and tousled his hair. "Justin, what _happened_ last night? Sweetheart, please talk to me. Don't shut me out."

The 'again' was unspoken.

They stayed there for a while like that, both of them silent.

"Mom…I unravelled last night. Kind of…urghhh…I've just made so many mistakes. I just want to sleep."

"You've been sleeping for hours, Justin. You know, mistakes can be fixed."

"Not this one."

"Why not?"

"Because Spencer is dead, Mom. He's dead, and nothing and no one can bring him back to life. Not all mistakes can be fixed, Mom."

"Spen…honey…I thought you were…Brian, I mean…"

Justin looked at her through half-lidded eyes. "You thought I was in love with Brian. And now you're confused because I'm upset about Spencer."

"Justin…yes, yes, I am confused. Completely. I want to help you, so please help me understand."

Justin propped himself up on his elbows, and poured himself a glass of water from the carafe on the nightstand.

"I tried. I didn't want to fall for him, and I tried not to. Brian was…just…he was just supposed to be a friend. Not even, actually. I didn't even think we'd be friends. And now…I've gone and fucked it all up."

Jennifer moved from her position at the foot of the bed, to sit parallel to Justin. She took his hand in hers.

"Honey, I don't think that Brian will necessarily be averse to your feelings for him. I think he might welcome it. Reciprocate it, even. This is _not_ a bad thing."

Justin sighed, shaking his head. He had been awake for about two hours or so, but already felt exhausted.

"You don't _get_ it. I'm not _supposed_ to fall for anyone. I had Spencer. And now that he's gone…I just move on? Just like that?"

"Justin, you haven't done anything 'just like that'. You punished yourself for years. You deserve to be happy."

"Why? Because I'm alive? Because I'm alive, I should just bob along and be happy, unlike Spence, who, you know, will never get his chance to be happy because he's fucking dead?"

"Honey, Spencer _was_ happy. It's not your fault that he's…what are you supposed to do? Be miserable for the rest of your life, because you happened to be the one who survived?"

"Yes! Exactly that." Justin turned his head and looked at her. "I wasn't a good partner when he was alive; the least I can do is make up for it now that he's dead."

"Ok, Justin, you _were_ a good partner. Nobody is perfect."

"I was _far_ from perfect. I had Spencer. I should have been happy and satisfied and…and instead…I didn't mean to. But sometimes…Brian was always there. Just like he promised."

"Promised…?"

"Never mind…" There was no way Justin could explain to her his first – and only – night with Brian. What Brian had said.

… _I want you to always remember this. So that no matter who you're with, I'll always be there…_

"I didn't cheat on him. But. I should have been happy with everything Spencer gave me. I shouldn't have thought of Brian. Ever. But I did. Sometimes. I wondered. I imagined. I knew it was wrong, but it seemed so harmless because nothing was ever going to happen. And now…Spencer is gone. Dead. Gone. And I'm in love with…Brian. Because who the fuck else would I have fallen for? You can't tell me that this is right. That it isn't fucked up. That I'm not a terrible person."

Jennifer didn't speak for a while, and they both sat silently.

"Justin, do you want me to make you some coffee?"

"Can I have some bourbon instead?"

"I think it's a _bit_ too early for bourbon," Jennifer said, rolling her eyes. "Okay, so perhaps you were not…it's not a _crime_ to think of someone else. You didn't actually do anything. I'm not speaking ill of Spencer, but who knows what – or whom – he thought of? You shouldn't judge yourself so harshly. If you had had a gambling problem instead, you would have been so much easier on yourself."

This time, it was Justin that rolled his eyes. "Yes, because gambling is _precisely_ the kind of problem I could have. It's not even within the realm of possibility, Mom."

"You know what I mean, Justin. Anyway, okay, even if we play it your way, even if you weren't the perfect partner, how can you undo that by being miserable now? Whatever you do now, or don't do, it doesn't change the past."

"But that's not fair!" Justin slumped back into the pillows.

"No one said life was fair."

Justin stared at his mother.

"I'm sorry, sweetie, I know that's not what you wanted to hear."

"Mom, it just seems…it seems wrong. That I get to have more than one chance at being with someone…at having a relationship…when…"

"Justin, if the world worked that way, it would be so unfair to everybody. If you are supposed to be miserable just because Spencer is gone…what about all those people whose happiness depends on you? Honey, I understand where you're coming from," she said, putting her arm around Justin. "Believe me, I do. Death is hard. It's hard when you're the only one left standing, given a second chance. I know you want to rationalize it."

"Mom, I'm not –"

"Yes you are. Honey, you _are_ rationalizing, trying to make it fit into some cosmic formula so that it makes sense, even if it makes you unhappy. Feeling that if you somehow live the rest of your life alone, unhappy, it'll somehow balance out the fact that Spencer is gone, while you were lucky enough to stay alive. But, sweetheart, you can't make sense of everything in life. Sometimes, there's no logic, there's no set formula. Things just happen and we'll never be able to make sense of it. Ever. I know it's hard to accept. It's hard to not have control."

Justin wanted to say something, he opened his mouth to protest, but was at a loss for words. His mother took his silence as acquiescence, and continued.

"Just look at your father and me. We have the two most beautiful, perfect children."

"I wouldn't call _both_ your children perfect," Justin mumbled morosely.

"Oh Justin," she laughed in spite of herself. "You and Molly, you are _both_ perfect. And that's the point. You are both so wonderful, and perfect, your father and I should have been a match made in heaven. Instead…we just barely made it through until you went to Dartmouth. Life doesn't make sense. Love and happiness doesn't follow rules. I know you're trying to do the right thing, but denying yourself is not the way to go. Spencer was a good guy, and he would want you to be happy, not punish yourself like this. Don't try and be a martyr and hurt yourself to…to spite yourself."

"I'm sorry, Mom. I've…I'm sorry for shutting you out. I know you cared and worried and meant well…I just…I just needed to be alone. I'm sorry I hurt you by shutting you out."

"Sweetheart, don't apologise. You needed time. I knew that."

Justin looked at her.

"Okay, I knew that _some_ of the time. And maybe, you also needed that push by…"

"Brian. Ugh. You need to call him back, don't you?"

"What do you want me to tell him? Do you want me to – gently – ask him to not come for lunch on Thanksgiving?"

"No, no, don't do that. Just tell him I'm awake and groggy and…I'll be fine."

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. Sleep on everything. Clarity should – hopefully – come with time."

 

* * *

 

Justin hadn't been alone with Brian since that night at Babylon. When Brian had come for lunch on Thanks giving, both his mother and Molly had been there. Tonight - Justin's last night in Pittsburgh - he was seeing Brian for dinner, except that Michael was also joining them.

Justin was actually relieved about that. He was still confused, and having Michael there as a buffer made him feel safer about the situation. Speaking with his mother had helped, a lot, but still. He really needed some time to himself to sort through his own confusion.

When he got to the restaurant, only Michael was there. Apparently, Brian was running late.

"Do you want to order, or…?"

"We should wait for Brian," Justin said, checking his phone. Nothing from Brian. He sighed. "I'm just going to text Brian and ask him where he is, and how long he's going to take."

Michael nodded uncomfortably.

There was no immediate response from Brian, and Justin placed his phone on the table. That way, when Brian replied, he wouldn't miss it.

"So. You're working on your PhD. Do you have to attend classes for that? Or…is it just writing your thesis?"

"Well, there are a set of classes that I have to take; basically, everything there is to know about art history and my area of concentration is covered in those classes. And then exams and papers, like any other course. Then there are some intensives I have to take and the thesis. Some people like to split everything over two years so that there's a mix, but I didn't want to have to sit for exams in both years. So my classes and intensives were last year; this year, I just need to work on my thesis."

Justin's phone beeped, just as Michael pulled out his own phone.

"Brian says he won't be able to make it," Michael said, staring intently into his phone. "I guess he just texted you the same thing."

Michael had received the text earlier, so Justin had some doubts as to whether they both received the same text. However, that was precisely what Brian had told Justin in his extremely brief text.

"I…I guess we order then?"

Justin sighed. "I guess so." He wanted to leave, but that would both be rude and unfair to Michael. Justin picked up the menu; Michael seemed like a nice guy. He was infinitely more pleasant than he had been ten years ago. They could talk about comics and movies, Justin figured.

"Brian said that you spoke Japanese and Greek."

"That's embarrassing. I don't know why he says these things. My knowledge of both languages is quite poor."

Michael had a weird smile on his face. "Indeed. Why Brian does most of what he does is a mystery. Have you ever been to Japan?"

"Nope, but I would love to go there."

"I went there a few years ago with…with my…with Ben."

"Ben? I…I don't think I've met him." Justin looked at Michael curiously. Something was going on here. Something weird. Michael looked the way he had back at his shop.

"Michael, what's going on? Is everything okay?"

Michael sighed, playing with his cutlery. "Ben…he's…was…is…my partner. We were together for almost ten years. It's just…we've had problems for almost a year now, and…we're on a break, or sabbatical or whatever. Ben went to California; he's teaching a term at Berkley."

"I'm sorry…" Justin said; seemingly, everyone had their own shit to deal with. "I didn't know…"

"Of course not. Everyone thinks Ben and I are over, that we've flushed ten years of our lives down the toilet. But they're wrong. I love Ben, and I _know_ that he loves me. We just needed a time-out. With Ben gone since September, I realized that I can't live like this forever. He has to come back, and we have to be together again."

"Uh-huh," Justin said. He was at a loss as to what to say, or to figure out why Michael was telling him all this.

"I'm sorry you got involved in all this. I told Brian, but he wouldn't listen," Michael continued. "He never listens to me."

"Me? What…?" Justin looked at Michael, trying to keep his face from showing his confusion.

"This. Us. I told Brian to not even try setting us up, because it just wasn't going to work. Like, come on. I know he thinks Ben and I are over, but we're not. We are _so_ not over. I'm not looking for anyone else at _all._ I just want to work things out with Ben. I'm sorry. I don't know what Brian told you…or didn't. But he keeps throwing us together, and I can't keep up the charade. I'm so sorry."

"Uhhhh…" Justin stared at Michael in open amazement. Brian tried to set him up…? With Michael…? Bile was rising inside him, as was his anger. Justin dug his fingers into his thighs, deeply, painfully. It would bruise without a doubt, but he didn't care; he had to control himself. He _had_ to.

"Justin, are you –"

"I'm fine. I'm…fine. I just…wow…this is…was…I…wow. Totally did not expect this. From Brian." Justin laughed, trying to seem normal. He had to go speak to Brian, confront him, but not now. There was a dinner to get through, and a temper to try and control. Besides, if he walked out now, Michael would undoubtedly call Brian.

Brian. Fucking Brian.

Michael grinned, clearly unaware that Justin was seething inside. "Oh, you know Brian. Trying to control everything and fix everything. He's an idiot, but he meant well. I assumed he hadn't told you anything…when I met you first, you seemed clueless. About his plan, I mean. Not that you're like a clueless person or anything."

Justin smiled tightly. Boy, did he _feel_ like a clueless person.

"Anyway, now we can just enjoy dinner without all this bullshit. Would you consider turning ' _Spotted_ ' into, like, an actual comic? Like a comic book? Or something? Like those _Dilbert_ books? Or, you know what? You should do a comic about a gay superhero. I mean, I guess after you finish studying. But, wouldn't that be a cool idea?"

"Oh yeah. Terrific idea."

As ideas went, Michael's one was certainly leagues ahead of what Brian's was.

Justin took a deep breath. He just had to get through dinner before he went looking for Brian.


	11. Chapter 11

* * *

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up."

― Neil Gaiman (The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones)

 

* * *

 

"Justin…are you okay? What's wrong?"

Justin hadn't uttered a word since he entered Brian's condo. He took in deep breaths, trying to control his temper. By the look of obvious confusion – and worry - on Brian's face, it was clear that there had been no contact with Michael since dinner.

"Tell me it isn't true."

Brian stared at him blankly.

"Tell me that Michael was wrong. Or confused. Or whatever the fuck. Tell me that you did _not_ try to set me up with him." Justin's voice was too calm and too steady, that he knew he would lose his shit very soon, unless Brian came up with something very brilliant, very quickly.

Brian looked at him for half a minute, and Justin could see that he contemplated hedging the truth briefly, before deciding against it.

"Goddamn Mikey. He told you."

"Goddamn Mikey? Goddamn _Mikey?_ Goddamn _YOU,_ Brian! What the fuck were you thinking?" Justin screamed, all his frustration, confusion and anger from the last few days finding voice.

"Hey, hey," Brian said, reaching out to touch Justin's shoulder. "Just calm down."

"Don't touch me!" Justin screamed again, flailing his arms about and pushing Brian away. "How dare you do this?"

Brian starting rubbing his temple. "Will you calm down? I was just trying to help you. Find you somebody."

"'Help'? You call this ' _help'?_ Why do I need 'somebody'? _Why?_ This is _precisely_ why I stayed away, why I stayed in Cleveland, away from any and everyone who wanted to 'help' and meddle and pair me off with the first person who came along. Because heaven forbid poor Justin is _alone._ " He was no longer screaming, but Justin's voice was nowhere close to normal, and it was shaking with anger. Justin was further incensed to realize that tears were lurking just beneath the surface, threatening to break free if Brian said the wrong thing.

"Oh for fuck's sake," Brian gritted, "don't go there. Don't go off on some tangent – "

"This is not a fucking 'tangent', Brian. I thought you were my friend. I thought you understood. How can you…how can you be just like everyone else I was trying to get away from?"

"Justin, you need to calm down. You are making such a huge deal over something so small."

"It's not something small! You're supposed to be my friend. You're supposed to understand, you're supposed to be on my side. You're supposed to _know,_ " Justin said. What a fucking idiot he had been. Worrying so much about his feelings for Brian, when Brian was happy to pawn him off to the first man who was available. Not _even_ available, considering Michael's declaration of love for Ben, Justin thought. He had been so scared, so worried, feeling so guilty…how could Brian be so blind? How could he not share Justin's own feelings, which even Jennifer thought Brian reciprocated?

Brian slammed his fist against the wall. "Why are you freaking out so much? This is _not_ a big deal."

"I'm freaking out because I'm angry and hurt and it IS a big deal and you don't fucking get it!"

Brian moved closer to Justin, and then backed away in obvious exasperation when Justin raised his arms, ready to push Brian away.

"What do you want from me, Justin? Huh?" Now Brian's voice was getting louder, matching Justin's pace. "Do you want me to apologise for trying to help? Fine. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for trying to help. Are you happy now? Or do you want to sit around and fight some more?"

Justin ran his hand through his hair, clenching a fistful in frustration. "I don't want to fight. I want you to fucking see what's going on here. You're so dense; you don't get it, you don't understand –"

"Of _course_ I don't understand! I was trying to _help._ You're fucking perfect, and Michael is such an amazing guy, I just thought –"

"You thought what? That Michael and I? What? I mean, the guy has a long-term partner he is besotted with, and even if he didn't… _Michael?_ What the fuck is wrong with you? How could you even _think_ that? That I could ever…did it ever occur to you to ask _me_ what I wanted? _Who_ I wanted?"

"I just… _fuck_ , Justin, I just wanted to make you happy!"

"And you thought I'd be happy with _him?_ "

"You think decent guys grow on fucking trees? Who was I _supposed_ to find for you? Would it have made you happy if I found you an asshole like me instead? Huh?"

Justin stared at Brian, shocked into silence.

"Cat got your tongue?"

As Justin continued to stare, Brian seemed to visibly calm down.

"Look, Justin, I just wanted to see you happy. That's all. It was just –"

"I _was_ happy," Justin said quietly. "I was happy with _you._ "

Brian stared, shocked into silence. Justin took a step closer to Brian, and this time, it was Brian who backed away.

"I meant –"

"I _know_ what you meant, Brian. How could you think I needed…or wanted…anybody else? I was happy with _you._ "

"Look, Justin, this…thing…it's just in your head."

It struck Justin then, that all his guilt about Spencer had taken a backseat. That when there was an actual chance for him to be with Brian, his instinctive reaction was to grab onto that as hard as he could. This is what he wanted, and everything else…everything else he would just simply learn to manage.

He looked at Brian. "What? You're going to kick me out again? Like you did ten years ago, in another apartment? I was too young for you then, and now what? I'm delusional? It's all inside my head?"

Neither of them was screaming anymore, but the air was thick with tension and pent up emotions. Brian was silent, and Justin didn't waste time, waiting for him to say something. He quickly stepped forward, right in front of Brian, leaving no space between them.

Their eyes met, and they held the gaze. Justin leaned into Brian, and their lips met in a soft kiss that lasted only a few seconds, before Brian pulled away. Justin didn't. He put one arm around Brian's shoulders, drawing him in once more. They kissed again, this time with more persistence, and he felt Brian's whole body move into him, Brian's arms pulling him in as the kiss intensified, heating things up between them. Justin ran his fingers through Brian's hair, pulling him impossibly closer.

Brian was the one who pulled away, again, after minutes. Justin took a step back, both of them still breathing heavily.

He reached out and softly caressed Brian's cheek with the back of his hand. "How can you say that this is all just in my head? How can you not feel that? How can you not feel something for me? Something between us?"

Brian rubbed his eyes with both hands.

"Look, I'm not the guy for you, okay? Everybody knows that. I'm an asshole."

"Then say _that_. Don't say I'm imagining things when I'm not. When you have feelings for me too. Don't make a mockery of what we share by denying it."

"Justin, I can't make you happy. I don't do couples. I've always been alone. If we were to be together, in a few months, you'd be running for the hills, miserable as fuck."

"This is useless," Justin said. "You know, I was feeling guilty and confused, but none of that matters, because you're no more ready now than you were ten years ago. No. You can't make _yourself_ happy. Thank you for…thank you for everything. Good bye, Brian."

Justin turned out around and walked away.

Maybe the two of them were never meant to be, he thought. Someone would always not be ready.


	12. Chapter 12

* * *

 

“It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.”

    John Steinbeck (The Winter of Our Discontent)

 

* * *

 

“You fucking moron. You told him,” Brian ground out through gritted teeth as he walked into the comic book store, slamming the door behind him. The two teenage customers in the store jumped at the noise.

“You look awful,” Michael said, looking at him. “Were you drinking all night?”

“Why the fuck were you unable to keep your mouth shut?” Brian all but screamed.

“What are you talking about? And can you tone it down? You’re scaring the customers.”

“Fuck your customers. And fuck _you_ ,” Brian hissed, and then got even angrier, seeing Michael’s still uncomprehending expression. “Justin. You told him.”

“Oh. That. Of course I told him. I _told_ you that it wouldn’t work. It was so hard! You

weren’t there, okay? He just kept looking at me with weird looks, and it was Brian this and Brian that…it was impossible. I _had_ to tell him. Besides, I love Ben.” Michael glared at Brian when he opened his mouth to speak. “Stop. Don’t even. I don’t care what you think or what you say. Ben and I are getting back together. I’m going to fly out there next weekend. We’re not over; this is just a break we needed to take.”

Brian slumped into the closest chair. “I don’t give a shit about you and Ben and…I need coffee.”

“What the hell happened? Wait, I’ll go put on a fresh pot for you.”

Michael’s coffee was probably going to be shitty, but Brian didn’t object. He just sat at the front until he scared the teenagers into leaving, and waited until Michael returned with the coffee.

“Okay. Tell me what happened.”

“What the fuck do you _think_ happened?” Brian glared at Michael. “You couldn’t keep your fucking mouth shut and get through dinner, and Justin went ape-shit on me.”

“How is that my fault?” Michael gave him an exasperated look – a look he had been giving Brian with increased frequency in the last few weeks. “Justin seemed fine when he left…I didn’t think he’d get so mad at you. I would have never gone along with your crazy idea if I knew he’d get so upset. What did you tell him? Did you apologise?”

“Ugh. It’s so bright in here,” Brian complained. He massaged his own temple, and tried to recall if he had, in fact, apologised to Justin. “I told him that I was just trying to make him happy.”

Michael seemed surprised, and slightly taken aback. “Oh.” After a few seconds, he asked the most obvious question. “And what did he say?”

“He said that he had been happy with me.”

“ _And?”_

“And I told him that I don’t do couples. That I’ve always been alone and I’d make him miserable.”

“Uh-huh.” Michael rubbed his face. “So Justin tells you that you made him happy, and you responded by saying that you’d make him miserable? That doesn’t even make sense,” he said, frowning. “You’re an idiot.”

“Oh please, save me your sanctimonious blathering. I’m so not in the mood for that right now.”

Michael scoffed. “Well, tough shit. You came here, so you’ll listen to whatever I say, sanctimonious or otherwise.”

“The older you grow, the more you turn into your mother,” Brian snarked. “And that isn’t a compliment.”

“You’re an idiot,” Michael repeated. “You know, he still remembers what you told him ten fucking years ago.”

“What?”

“Well, not you, but me. Well, actually, probably both of us. He told me that day, before we went to Babylon. That I told him that you didn’t do boyfriends ten years ago, when I met him. I mean, I don’t remember, but I probably did tell him that. He still remembers.”

Brian sighed loudly, sipping the coffee. “Yeah, I told him the same thing then. He still remembers. Fuck, _I_ still remember.”

“Did he bring it up?”

Brian shrugged. “He said that I’m no more ready now than I was ten years ago.”

“It would be very sad if Justin was right.”

“Michael, I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“That’s not the point Brian. Okay, so you meant well. But you should have known better.”

“Why? Because you thought it was a bad idea? You thought _Ben_ was a bad idea when you met him.” It was a poor argument to make, but Brian didn’t have much in the way of reasonable arguments left.

“That’s totally different. You knew Justin had feelings for you, and you sure as fuck knew that you were in love with him. You should have known that he already had everything that could make him happy.”

“I didn’t know he was in love with me,” Brian protested tiredly.

Michael looked at him dubiously. “I think you did. I think you knew, and this was your way of trying to push him away. And, if you didn’t know, you _should_ have.”

Brian gave him a weary look.

“How could you have _not_ known? Even Ted and Blake knew – they told me about the two of you at Cynthia’s wedding. You just wanted to push him away, but also make sure that someone decent would take care of him; so you tried to force him on me.”

“It was for his own good.”

“How can it…oh never mind,” Michael said, exasperated and giving up on that particular line of argument, much to Brian’s relief. “What are you going to do now?”

“Nothing. What’s left to do? He said good bye. He never says good bye.” Brian closed his eyes, replaying memories of Justin. Not in a single one of them had Justin said good bye. Until last night.

“And…what? So this is it? You’re not going to do anything? Aren’t you going to call him?”

“Mikey, this is for the best.”

“Best? _Whose_ best? Certainly not yours, and I doubt that it’s for Justin’s best either.”

“It is for his best, despite what the both of you think. When have you seen me be with anyone?”

“Me? Lindsay? Gus?”

“That’s different. You’re all different. And there’s always Ben and Melanie to pick up the slack.”

Michael rolled his eyes. “Well, maybe it’s time to learn then.”

“When have I done couples? Mikey, I don’t do partners.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake. Isn’t that precisely what you’ve been doing with Justin for the last I-don’t-know-how-many months?”

“That’s different.”

“ _How_ is it different? Brian, this is nuts. Before you met him, you were so…restless.”

“No I wasn’t,” Brian interjected, knowing it was a lie even as he uttered the denial.

“Yeah you were. Just like you were before you started Kinnetic. And then you got that way again; restless and even irritable at times. I mean…I know that you couldn’t see it, but I did. Ted did. Ben said that it was because though you were happy, self-sufficient, with Kinnetic, with Babylon, with Gus, with your new place, and that you were getting on with your life and doing what was meaningful to you, there was a hole…void, actually. Ben said void. He said it was a void, just sitting there, empty, not being filled. And he said that’s why you were restless. And I thought it sounded right, but I wasn’t sure. But then you met Justin again, and I _knew_ that Ben had been right. Because you were different after that. That…you weren’t restless and weird and irritable. Ben was right, as usual; it’s like the void got filled, and whatever was missing wasn’t missing anymore.”

Brian closed his eyes. “Please, don’t. Don’t try and be Ben, when the good professor isn’t here.” It physically hurt when everyone else was right.

“Brian, I’m not…you know I’m right. Are you seriously just going to go back to the way you were? Like, ‘okay, bye bye Justin, I’m never going to see you again but I’m going to be just fine’? Brian, I’d hate to see you throw this away.”

“He said good bye, Michael. For the first time in ten years.”

“Just because he said it, you don’t have to make it so.”

 

* * *

 

“Hey there, Spence. Long time, no see.”

Someone had cleaned the tombstone recently; probably Spencer’s mother or brother. Justin had brought flowers; daisies, which had been Spencer’s favourite. He lay them down, and then sat down on the cold, dry earth. Justin shrugged to himself; at least it wasn’t wet.

“I’m sorry I haven’t come here…ever. I just…I couldn’t. And…who needs a fucking tombstone, right? You’re in my heart, and I didn’t have to come here to talk to you. And still…here I am.”

It was true. Justin had never come here after the funeral. Not even once. Spencer’s family had wanted him buried in Harrisburg, and Justin had been okay with that. He had known even then that he would never come. Spencer wasn’t here.

Yet, Justin found himself in Harrisburg. He wanted to talk to Spencer, and suddenly, after three years, he felt compelled to come to his grave. He knew that Spencer wasn’t really there, that he was speaking to the winter air and nothing else, but Justin knew that this was something he had to do.

“I hope you’re at peace, Spence. Wherever you are. Whatever you are. Whether you’re a spirit in some other world or whether you’re just decaying matter, re-joining the earth. Whatever you are, or are not, I hope you’re at peace. What happened to you wasn’t fair. It was wrong. It was _so_ wrong. And…you didn’t deserve death.” Justin felt tears roll down, and he didn’t bother wiping them away.

“I hope you like the flowers. They’re simple and pretty. I thought you’d like them. Spence, I’m sorry. I am so fucking sorry. I should have loved you like you deserved to be loved, and I didn’t. And you were so good to me, and you never complained, and you loved me with all your heart. I will forever be grateful to you for that. I’m sorry about Brian. I’m sorry that he was also there, somewhere in the back of my head. I thought you and I were forever; I thought it was okay to just think about someone else now and then. It wasn’t, and I’m sorry, and if I could go back in time and change myself, I would. You deserved better. But Spence, I want you to know that I tried. I really did. I tried to be good and to be the guy you deserved. I think it worked too, most of the time. I hope you were happy with me.”

Justin paused to rearrange the daisies. A young woman walked by with a little girl, and they both looked at him sympathetically, sharing a look of common grief.

“I met Brian again. I fell in love with him. I tried not to. I…clearly, not very well, but whatever. I didn’t want to fall in love with him. I didn’t want to fall in love with _anyone_ , but _especially_ him. It seemed…wrong. To you, to your memory. I think…I don’t know. I didn’t want to be happy, because I thought that was doing right by you.

And I’m in love with him, and I want to be happy again, and I’m sorry and I’m not sorry and I feel awful for it. Spence, I think you’d understand somehow. I just…I hope you do. And it’s all fucked anyway, because Brian doesn’t want to be with me…and…I don’t know…I don’t think…I’m not going to force him…and who’d want to be with someone so damaged, anyway? Too much fucking work, right?” Justin smiled to himself lightly, and moved to lean gently against the tombstone.

“Spencer, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know if I can unlove Brian; it seems crazy…he’s been around for ten years…but I’m going to sure as hell try, though. I want you to know that I love you, and I don’t mean to hurt you. I’ve moved on, I guess, because I’m in love with Brian. I hope you understand. If you were here…I would never have been unfaithful to you. I want you to know that too. I don’t know what I would have done, but I wouldn’t have cheated on you. I loved you too much for that.”

Justin turned his face, his cheek resting against the cold stone.

“We’re okay, right, you and I? I don’t think I’ll see Brian again. I told him good bye; he’s not ready. I don’t think he’ll ever be. But he’s going to be in my heart, always, and please forgive me for that. I told Brian good bye…and I think it’s high time I speak to you as well. To say sorry, to say that I tried, to ask you to forgive me, and to tell you good bye, Spence.”


	13. Chapter 13

* * *

 

"Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it's time for them to be hurt."

Haruki Murakami (Norwegian Wood)

 

* * *

 

It had been about two weeks. Give or take a few days. Brian had called him, and each time, Justin had let it go to voicemail. He listened to all the messages, and then deleted them.

He deleted them, because not in any one of the messages did Brian say what Justin wanted to hear.

This was painful.

He hadn't expected to fall in love, and he certainly hadn't wanted it. And yet, here he was.

He lay awake, unable to sleep, sat by the window expecting a person who would never come, knowing that he would be restless until he saw Brian, but also knowing that comfort wasn't to be had even if he did see Brian. This wasn't what Brian wanted.

Memories of spending time with Brian flooded his thoughts at the most unexpected of times, and Justin got unreasonably mad at Brian for having this control over him.

Having been drawn out of his carefully constructed shell, it was hard to crawl back into it.

Truth be told, he didn't even want to.

Brian had shown him how to enjoy life again, to be a part of the world, and Justin didn't want to let that go.

Justin had to keep with him what he learnt with Brian, and learn to live that life without the man.

It was hard.

He had been alone – entirely alone – before. Justin knew that he could do it again. Except, there would be no illusions this time round. He couldn't tell himself that he was okay, because he wasn't. He wanted a life with Brian – a life he couldn't have.

And he couldn't hide away from the world any longer. It wasn't fair to his mother, to his sister…and it wasn't fair to Brian, who had spent months and months, helping Justin learn to live again.

His mother told him to be patient; two weeks wasn't a long time, and she was convinced that Brian just needed some time. She was sure that he'd come around, and be open to the idea of the two of them, in a relationship.

Justin hoped she was right.

 

* * *

 

Justin should have known something was up, given the extra bright smile he received from the barista, when he walked up to order his morning coffee.

"Your friend is waiting for you. He paid. He has a muffin too. For you," she chattered as she handed him the coffee.

Brian smiled at him as Justin turned around in evident surprise.

"What are you doing here?"

The masked slipped a bit, and he saw the uncertainty in Brian's eyes.

"You're not answering my calls, you're not responding to emails…you haven't even played your turn for weeks. I thought you loved Scrabble."

Justin closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. "I concede. You win."

"I thought you loved to win."

"Brian. _What_ are you doing here?"

"Justin, will you sit down? Please?" Brian added, when Justin stood rooted to the spot.

"Fine," Justin said, and sat down. "Now, what are you doing here?"

"I'm…here for coffee…"

"Brian, stop it. Just because it worked then, doesn't mean it's going to work now."

"I'm here to see you, what do you think?"

"Why?"

"Justin, why are you making such a big deal out of this? What, now we stop being friends?" Brian had the audacity to actually look confused.

"Of course. YES. _Yes_ , we stop being friends."

"You're joking, aren't you?" Justin felt bad when he saw the hurt in Brian's eyes, even if it was just for a moment. "Why can't we get past this?" Brian continued, regaining his composure.

"Get past… _what_? Brian…you want to act like our feelings don't mean anything?"

Brian sighed, rubbing his temple. "So we have feelings. Big fucking deal. We ignored them for this long. Why the hell can't we just go back to being friends?"

"Because!" Justin stared at Brian incredulously. "Because. You can't…you can't go backwards. We can't undo what we said, or did, or what we feel. We can't pretend that these feelings don't exist."

"Yes we can. We're not children."

"We're also not robots. We can't just shut off a part of our emotions. At least I can't. And I don't _want_ to."

"So…what? What precisely does that mean?" Brian looked tense and exhausted.

"Brian…I don't want to be your friend. I want to be more than that. And… _despite_ what you feel, you don't want that. Which…I'm not going to settle for less. I'm not going to pretend to not feel what I feel."

"I'm…" Brian stopped, taking a deep breath. "Christmas is coming up."

Justin stared uncomprehendingly.

"We're not seeing each other for Christmas even?"

That broke Justin's heart a little bit more, and he knew he was going to be hurting Brian with his response. "As _friends_?"

"That's what we are."

"That's what we _were._ "

Brian sighed again, and attempted a different tactic. "Would it have helped if I turned up here on a full moon?"

Justin stood up. "I have to go," he said, turning around and starting to walk away.

"I drove all the way here in the fucking snow; don't you dare walk away from me!" Brian said, raising his voice in evident frustration, and it did the trick.

Justin came back slowly. "What do you want from me? We're not seeing each other. Not for Christmas, not for New Year's, not for coffee, or movies, or cocktails or anything. I can't be your friend anymore. Unless I want less, or you want more…unless you're ready, this… _thing…_ between us," he said, gesticulating, "is over."

"So you're saying good bye. Walking away."

"Yes."

"What happened to us having a connection?" Brian asked, making air quotes, angrily spitting out his words. "What happened to always being in each other's lives? Always running into each other? What happened to being connected? All that's suddenly bullshit now? Now it's good bye, because you can't have what you want?"

Justin couldn't believe that Brian was throwing his own words at him. "I want _you_! I was happy with _you_! How many times do I have to say that before you believe me? And yes, yes, it's good bye because I can't have what I want."

"So all your grand ideas, they just fall by the wayside. Just like that. Because I can't give you what you want."

"Because you _won't._ Because I'm not going to pretend to be happy being just friends when I want something more. You already gave me what I wanted, until you unilaterally decided that I needed something else. If you're not ready to be with me, then I have to walk away. Brian, I've carried you around inside me for ten fucking years; just because I tell you good bye, I'm not going to suddenly stop."

Justin turned around and walked away again, and this time, Brian didn't stop him.


	14. Chapter 14

 

* * *

 

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close."

     Pablo Neruda (100 Love Sonnets)

 

* * *

 

He was all dressed up and ready to go, but was waiting for a text from his mother letting him know Molly and her location. Till he received the text, Justin was in his favourite armchair, observing the weather outside.

There was little difference between the seasons, Justin decided. Winter was no more miserable than the spring, and summer had brought no joy that the other two seasons had failed to. If one had reason to be miserable, one was miserable regardless of weather phenomenon. He was, after all, an expert on being miserable.

His eyes fell upon the beautiful flower arrangement that _The Cleveland Daily_ had sent him. Justin made a mental note to email them his thanks. He almost reached for his sketchbook, and then decided against it. His mother would be here soon; there would be no time to finish whatever he started. Justin got up and went to the mirror, straightening his tie for the twelfth time in the last thirty minutes. His mother had insisted that a graduation ceremony required a new suit, making him shop with her weeks ago. Justin was long past trying to argue with her on such matters.

He had been taking sleeping pills for the last week; vanity and his mother had demanded that he not turn up for the graduation ceremony with dark rings under his eyes. Justin gave himself a small smile; after today, he would be able to throw away the pills, and stay awake for hours, long past midnight, wondering about the man who was clearly not coming for any more coffees.

Justin sighed. His mother had suggested to him a few weeks ago that he let Brian know that the graduation ceremony was today, but Justin had said no. It wasn't lack of invitations that kept Brian away, after all.

Finally, his phone buzzed; Molly texting him saying that they were near the campus.

"About time," Justin told himself, as he locked up and made his way downstairs. He contemplated grabbing a coffee on the way, and like every day, wondered briefly if he'd find Brian waiting for him, at long last. Justin smiled at his own idiocy, another daily occurrence, and decided to forego the coffee. It's not as if he was in any way thirsty.

Justin thought about walking, and then imagined his mother's horrified reaction, and hailed a cab instead.

 

* * *

 

"Where do you want to go eat after this?" Molly asked him.

Justin smiled at her. "Bored already?"

"No! I was just…"

"It's okay. It _is_ boring. That's why I told mom that you guys didn't have to come."

"Nonsense," Jennifer said. "You're getting your doctorate; as if Molly and I wouldn't attend. Molly, sweetheart, this is such a beautiful, outdoor set-up. I can't imagine how you can be bored." There was a hint of disapproval in Jennifer's voice.

"I am _not_ bored. I'm sorry I asked about food. Sheesh. So, are people going to start calling you 'doctor' from now? That'll be _so_ cool, right mom? I can tell everyone that my brother is a doctor. You can get all your reservations bumped up. This is legitimately awesome."

Justin rolled his eyes, but smiled in amusement. "Molly, I'm not a _real_ doctor. It's just an academic title. Please, I beg of you, don't tell anyone that your brother is a doctor. Starving artist will do just fine."

"You're hardly starving," Molly commented.

"Though he _could_ afford an extra couple of pounds," Jennifer mused.

Justin decided to let the comment pass with just a shrug from him. It was true that he had lost a little bit of weight. He just didn't care enough to remedy the matter. He figured that he wasn't shutting the word out; that was as much effort as he could muster.

"Look! It's your friend, from Thanksgiving," Molly exclaimed suddenly.

"What?"

Ignoring him, Molly waved frantically at somebody.

Justin followed her line of vision.

"Brian."

"Right! Brian!" Molly said, loudly.

As Brian started to walk towards them, Justin dropped his eyes, and then turned to look at Jennifer accusingly.

Jennifer shrugged. "He asked me how you were. I told him that you were graduating. I didn't invite him," she added.

Justin couldn't be mad at her. It had been months since he last heard from Brian. And it was his graduation today…he was ecstatic that Brian had come, though he tried to keep his face expressionless.

He looked at Jennifer. "Brian called you?"

Before she could answer, Brian had reached them.

"Congratulations Sunshine," Brian said, presenting Justin with a stunning bouquet of carnations, together with a bottle of wine.

Justin smiled in spite of himself. "Thanks…Brian, you didn't have to."

"I know," Brian said.

Molly was oblivious to any undercurrents. "Brian got him flowers. And champagne," she told Jennifer accusingly.

"Actually, it's Vinsanto," Brian said.

Justin stared at him, mouth slightly agape.

"What's that?" Molly asked.

"It's a dessert wine, from Santorini. Greece," Brian clarified, seeing Molly's confused expression. "I remembered that Justin loved it when we were there…you haven't had it recently have you?"

Justin shook his head mutely. That Brian not only remembered, but had actually managed to get his hands on a bottle…that he had known exactly what to get…

"…is made from freezing the grapes, but this is made from letting the grapes dry in the sun for weeks," Brian was saying.

"Two weeks," Justin added, tuning back into the conversation.

Molly sighed. "That…sounds fascinating. Mom, I _told_ you we should have at least brought flowers."

"Molly, your brother didn't want anything. He was very insistent," Jennifer said, slightly embarrassed. "Hello Brian. It's lovely to see you again. It's been too long."

Brian gave one of his disarming smiles at Jennifer. "True."

Justin shook his head. There was no need for Brian to work his mother, he already had her in his corner.

"You didn't want any gifts? Should I take those back?"

Justin gave Brian a withering look, moving the gifts out of his reach.

"He wanted a cow," Molly informed Brian.

"A…cow?"

"And a goat," Molly added.

Justin shook his head. "They're not for _me._ Oxfam and the Maasai Association give the animals to families that need them. As if I'd want cows and goats for _myself_ ," he repeated, rolling his eyes.

"Brian, I hope you'll join us for lunch after the ceremony," Jennifer said.

Brian glanced at Justin before responding. "That sounds lovely, Jennifer."

"Justin, why don't you give those to me, and Molly and I will go find our seats. You can sit with us, Brian."

Justin watched as his mother and sister headed towards the pavilion.

"You've done well, Justin. I'm proud of you."

"Brian…you didn't have to come."

"I wanted to. Besides, it's just a two hour drive."

Justin wanted to say something, but he wasn't sure what.

Brian was here. He had _wanted_ Brian here, and Justin couldn't deny that he was more than happy that Brian had actually come.

But, at the same time, Justin knew that this didn't change anything. They cared deeply for each other, they loved each other; of this Justin never had any doubts. It was simply that they wanted different things from each other. Brian being here today didn't change that. And that hurt.

"What are you going to do, now that…"

Justin sighed. Brian was here, and he meant well. Like it or not, Justin had to reciprocate and be adult about the whole situation.

"I'm not sure. I…have an offer to stay here and join the Institute of Art…Mom 'suggested' that I come back to Pittsburgh…teach at Carnegie – there's a tentative offer there I could follow up on, I can paint… _The Cleveland Daily_ wants me to edit _Spotted_ so they can publish a volume."

"I like that idea," Brian said.

Justin smiled. "Already started working on it. And…I've been speaking to your friend Michael. His partner – Ben - is the one who got the Carnegie thing going. But, yeah, Michael had an entirely different idea."

"Yes, he…mentioned something to me. A superhero."

"A gay superhero comic. It sounded silly at first, but, the idea's grown on me. I have enough time now to take on more than one project."

"Well, if you're going to start a project with Michael, being in Pittsburgh might help."

Justin narrowed his eyes. "Really? _Michael's_ the reason I should move to Pittsburgh?"

Brian had the decency to look chastised. "No. You should move to Pittsburgh if _you_ want to."

"You…what…I…should…"

Brian stared at him blankly, and Justin couldn't blame him. That was incoherence at its finest. He wanted to ask Brian what _he_ wanted, but it seemed a pointless question to ask.

"Justin –"

"Maybe we should go find Mom and Molly."

"Justin –"

"You should probably grab a seat soon. Lots of people are coming in now," Justin said absently. He had wanted Brian to be here, and Brian was. Beyond that…it was better not to be alone.

"Justin," Brian said firmly, putting his hand on Justin's shoulder to keep him from walking away. "I don't want to grab a seat."

"Uh-huh."

"You're very eloquent today," Brian said, smirking slightly.

"Amusing. I –"

"I miss you," Brian said, interrupting him.

"I miss you too." Justin felt like crying. "You're my best friend."

"And you're mine."

"And I fell in love with you, and you let me leave. You let me walk away."

"Sounds like you have a dick for a best friend," Brian said.

"Points for self-awareness." Justin looked at Brian, suddenly utterly unsure of where the conversation was heading.

"You know…it doesn't matter that I let you leave…because I'm always following you. I'm always going to."

"What…"

"I didn't know it, but I've always been following you, Justin. Out of Babylon, to Greece, to Cleveland. You move, and I follow. How I keep finding you in my life, how I keep finding this road, I will never know. But it's the way we've been for the last ten years. Stop moving. Stop moving, and I will come to you. Wherever that is."

"That's not fair…you…"

"You gave me an ultimatum last time I was here."

"It…it wasn't an ultimatum," Justin said. He had never meant it as an ultimatum; it had been the only way to explain the situation they found themselves in.

"Yeah it was," Brian said, with the hint of a smile. "I had to be ready, or you were walking away."

Justin blinked rapidly, unsure that he was hearing things right. "Are you saying you're ready?"

"I'm here, aren't I?"

"I…" It was hard to believe that they had actually got to this point. Both of them, with all their hang ups, all their baggage…Justin wondered briefly if he had by chance misunderstood Brian somehow.

Brian looked at him, the silence obviously coming as an unnerving surprise. "Justin, what do you want me to say? I can tell you that we should ditch Jennifer and Molly after lunch and do what we should have done months ago, and after that, I'll take you to dinner to this restaurant, it's a lovely Italian place, run by the same family for generations, and I hope you'll love it."

Justin stared at Brian. "You remembered."

"Of course I remembered…Justin, I can't do grand speeches. If we were in one of those movies, or if I had fancy words, I would use them right now. But all I can think of is the way you laugh, and smile, and drag me to museums, and eat everything in sight, how you have more causes than a philanthropist, how I can smell you on me when I drive back home after being here for an afternoon, and how only you can make me smile after an awful fucking day. And there are no words for that. I'm here. I'm ready. I'd love it if you moved to Pittsburgh, but hey, maybe we can make this city that's over two goddamn hours away work too. If…your ultimatum still stands."

"I just want to be with you," Justin said, finally allowing himself to smile, a smile that soon turned into a grin as he kept talking, even though his voice was trembling. "Wherever you are. I was seventeen and I let you get away and that was my biggest mistake ever. I'll move to fucking Pittsburgh in a heartbeat. I just want to be with you. Be happy, with _you_. Like I said a million months ago."

Brian broke into a huge smile, and Justin enveloped him in a hug.

"Do you think it's a full moon tonight?" Brian asked softly into his hair.

"I don't know…but I don't think it matters anymore."

"Good…how soon will it be before we move you to Pittsburgh?"

Justin looked up at Brian and smiled.

 

**The End**

 

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Wow...okay...so we're finally done. I hope you guys enjoyed this, because I had lots of fun writing it.

Thanks ever so much for the reviews, the kudos, the bookmarks - you all rock!

Also, my ever-amazing beta, Xrifree. Seriously. I couldn't write a damn thing if she wasn't there to help me.


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